Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Panic attack...

So I often say my biggest fear is getting fired or evicted. Those are the ones that swim around in my neurotic head. My tangible fear is insects. This post isn't about insects except to say that is my real fear. I jump around and scream like a girl when I see one in my apartment. I'm fine with them in the wild, but I don't want them on me. I am afraid they will crawl on me whilst I sleep. This fear has a root. When I was a little girl (maybe 8 or 9 or 7) we went to my grandfather's house (must have been under 8 because I think that's how old I was when he died although I could be wrong about that too... I have this vague sense that everything happened when I was 8 but I think I'm wrong about most of those things) Anyway, we went to my grandfather's house and he lived on a farm in middle Florida. (wild. Elton was my father's uncle). So we went to my grandfather's trailer and across the driveway was this family with a bunch of kids who, in retrospect was probably migrant farm workers or something, and one night I spent the night at their trailer. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and in the kitchen was this hoarde of roaches. So many. Crawling over everything. Since then, terrified of bugs.

(Unrelated, I'm watching this show and they are doing the whole "Oh he has a concussion and so he has to be kept awake" thing. I had a concussion with a loss of consciousness and they didn't do that for me and a simple google search confirms that is not treatment... and it definitely wasn't in 2004 when this show was aired)

So my latest fear - What if I can't get a job. I'm surrounded by all these messages about the terrible economy and how jobs are going away everywhere and what if I can't find a new job? Am I just going to have to keep this crappy ass job as it gets crappier and bend over and take the huge pay cut? Am I going to have to move to Texas? Seriously, even though I've only applied to 4 total jobs in the past 5 days (two of which were weekend days) I might be freaking out a little bit.

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