Pintester Movement - Pretty Wire Garden Art

As a Pinteste, I look forward to the crazy things the Pintester tries. I she cracks me up.  She is doing this thing where she is having her readers do their own Pintesting. Be a part of the Pintester Movement.  I came across several pins that I wanted to try and decided this Pretty Wire Garden Art project by Jen Goode would be fun. I am buying my first house this year and this way I could make my own yard art. Isn't that exciting for me?
 

 

So these are the supplies. I had to buy wire coat hangers because I didn't have any and because apparently I never go to the dry cleaners. The fine craft wire and the little glass things I bought at Michaels. I had the wire thingie but I didn't actually use it.

 

Step one was to straighten out the wire. The cat decided the wire was something fun so we had to take a break for a few minutes to play.

 

I did my first bend following the pictures on the website. I wanted to make a dragonfly because I love them. See, it is taking shape! A wing!

Look, it is working so far! I have two wings and a head! I also have the picture up on my Kindle Fire so I could follow along.

 

 

Well, it starts to fall apart around here. I couldn't bend the 2nd wings the way they needed to go. Seriously. Not in the least. I could not bend them with my thumbs. I tried and tried until they were numb. I could not bend them with a plier. To say I succeeded would make me a liar.  But, hey this looks kind of cool right? No. No it doesn't. So I straightened it out and started over again.

 

 So I went back to the drawing board and just did a simple spiral flower. This I could do. This worked well. I also had a needle nose pair of pliers to help me out with the little bend. (Completely related, as I type this my right thumb is numb with pain and discomfort since the wire bending is HARD)

 

 

Next step is to decorate with decorative wire. I also included some small beads.

 

 

So here's the completed flower with the red decorative wire and little beads wrapped in. Not hideous. 

 

I had an extra little part that I wrapped with green decorative wire and then glued to the stem.  Gluing wasn't part of the project but it was necessary to make the leaf hold. 

 

And then I stuck it outside in my flower pot. I think it looks pretty. It was difficult to do and seriously my thumb hurts. A lot. I have enough hangers to do a lot more if I wanted to. I think I'll use them to hang up some clothes or something. Maybe jackets in the closet.

Dating Dissonance

So I've been doing the eharmony thing for a few months now. I've had two dates (with the same guy) result so far. The guy was niceish, but so blah. He had no opinions on liking things and was just so blah. He was also, and I KNOW this is unkind of me, very unfortunate looking. I really want to believe that people become more attractive when they have great personalities and maybe that was the problem - he didn't have a sparkling personality.

I'm trying to be as open minded as possible while reviewing my matches and all that jazz, but the reality is that for the most part guys are who they are on the dating sites. If they are a conservative guy who indicate they are a conservative guy, there's no real reason for me to think otherwise and since I am not a conservative girl this match won't work. Giving him the 'benefit of the doubt' isn't going to work. And, as always, I'd rather be alone than miserable with someone. (Or alone with someone). I think I tend to respond, especially if they contacted me first, because I'm so excited someone - SOMEONE - is interested in me. I guess I get worried that might be the only one. Because the way things have been going, that MIGHT have been the only one. I've been alone a very long time. I frequently wonder if I will even be able to maintain a long term relationship, especially as I spend more time alone and dig deeper into my own ways of doing things.

Counterproductive?

So my words for this year were Home and completion. One of the other things I'm working on this year is dating. I am actively doing eharmony - going onto the site, initiating communication, working the program, responding to anyone who was not completely repugnant. Which leads me to this ponderence... if I'm working on buying a house in less than 2 months, am I somehow defeating the whole dating thing? Since, theoretically, my goal is to find a husband and get married, am I just assuming the whole thing won't work out by buying my house? Given my track record with men, this is a reasonable assumption. Should I spend another year as an apartment dweller just in case? And see, that's the real reason I'm going forward with my house buying - I don't have more time to waste waiting for my life to happen the way I want it to. I just reread Jonathan Tropper's book "This is where I leave you" and a quote from the book really resonated with me - "I'm too old to have this much nothing." I feel like that a lot of the time. I'm almost 40 and what do I have to show for it?

Father's Day vs. Mother's Day.

Sunday was Mother's Day. While I was out at breakfast, a place I've eaten almost every Sunday for the past 3 years and have had people join me MAYBE 7 times, and I was wished, by a waitress who has been there 3 years and knows my order without me even saying it, "Happy Mother's Day." In the few days before Sunday, I heard that from several other people. I commented on Facebook that the next person who said that to me was going to get punched, or at the very least a scathing look and explanation that not every woman of a certain age is a mom. A FB friend commented on my sense of humor. Except I'm not kidding. It's painful to be told Happy Mother's Day when you're not a mom and want to be one and so far plans haven't worked out that way. Don't get me wrong. I have not managed to make the types of decisions that would enable me to adopt. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way as Amy at The Peevery peeved about this very topic.

More than that, though, and the part that bothers me is this presumption that women of a certain age are moms in a way that would not happen for dads.  I'd wager that when I go to my breakfast place on Father's Day the waitstaff will not be wandering around wishing random guys at the tables "Happy Father's Day." At Wal-Mart or Target the checkers won't be wishing the guys in their lines Happy Father's Day. In fact, I'd wager most men would be uncomfortable with people randomly wishing them Happy Father's Day. So why is it acceptable to do it to women when it doesn't happen to men?

Adventures in online dating

I've rejoined an online dating site. I'm pretty upfront with who I am I think. I have self identified as liberal. I have indicated I want kids. So one guy who starts communication with me is a self-identified conservative. When one of the questions I used said something like "tell me about your political beliefs." his response was "conservative." What does that even mean? I mean besides conservative. Plus once we got to the "open communication" stage all he said was I want to know more about you text me. So not happening dude. I'd consider emailing but texting involves me giving you a phone number. No, just no.

Another indicates he "might want kids" but in our email communications indicates that ship has sailed. So why bother. I very clearly say I do want kids. I DO want kids. So I replied with I can't have kids, but I do intend to adopt some someday. We'll see how that goes. Probably nowhere fast.

There's a 3rd who looks vaguely like a serial killer. Like the serial killers on TV not like Jeffrey Dahmer or anything. There's an actor he reminds me of but I can't think of the show he's on. He's an accountant.

I also don't understand those that post that they don't have kids in one section but then talk about their multiple children in another. Are they just stupid or did the change in the site design affect their answers. That one I don't get.

Are We There Yet?

I'm talking with a new Realtor next week. The first one will do good things for me and I have no doubt in his negotiation skills. And I'm totally willing to pay the minimum fee he charges. BUT I don't like financing games, which he proposed and I feel like he doesn't ... I dunno I feel like my price level may be beneath him. The potential new realtor sells home in the bracket I'm planning on spending. She's a woman. She's older. We'll see.

My biggest problem, though, is that I want to just be done. Both realtors agree that I'm starting too soon. I can't start looking yet because there's still a lot of time before I can move in. I just want to be in the process. Or done with the process. Or anywhere along in the process. Because if I think really hard about the fact that in 3 months I should be in the process of moving into my new house it seems like I should be somewhere along the process right now. Right? Maybe that process should be working on packing up this apartment.

I have a theory (ok it isn't a theory it is a thought I literally just had while sitting here) that if I give myself so many days of overlap than I don't have to REALLY pack... I can just use the same boxes and unload at the new house to refill here. Now having helped a friend move in that exact fashion, it is actually a ridiculous process and annoying so I won't do that, but it is a very tempting idea as I look around my apartment and think about having to pack all this shit up.

Trying for empathy

I have a coworker that I'm not fond of. She's pedantic. She's unpleasant. She gets away with murder. She's kind of a bitch. In reality, very few are fond of her. Nobody wants to work with her. Even our boss gives me assignments that based on our 'areas of focus list' totally should be hers. Since I'm the one who says 'no problem' when asked to do something (and then actually does it) I get asked to do things that infringe on her territory.

I realized recently that I kind of feel badly for her. It has to be hard for her that more of my coworkers like me. I may sound conceited with that, but really they do. It isn't a hard formula to get people to like you - don't be a bitch, help out when needed, do nice things for people.  She never does any of those three basic things. After a year in the department, I can now kind of see how she's threatened by me. It has nothing to do with my knowledge and everything to do with my personality and in some respects I'm not sure that personality is something that can be easily changed. She's probably 10 - 15 years my senior so her brittle personality probably isn't going anyplace.

 So I feel badly for her. It has to suck knowing, on some level, that most of your coworkers don't want to work with you, or laugh with you or eat lunch with you.  It has to suck when people stop asking your for your expertise in matters, and your new, younger coworker gets all the attention. And the thing is, I don't really think she gets why people like me better. She commented to me once about some stuff I did for the wellness fair, how did I know to do this kind of thing. And here's where the big difference between her and I shows - I just think of what I would like someone to do for me in a similar situation and do that thing (it does help that I can remember random factoids about my coworkers like she can't eat chocolate and likes carrot cake, vegetarian coworker loves things with fruit... blah blah blah). It doesn't have to be fancy, just think about what someone else would like. It would never dawn on her to do that. And that's a bit sad for her.

Putting the pieces together

While at my parents' house I picked up a few things I had owned since childhood. One of those things was a telescope I thought I had lost years ago in all my moving around. Once I buy a tripod, I'm going to bust that out and use it. The stars here in Texas are amazing.

Something else I found was a pair of Okinawan Shisa dogs. They are similar to the Fu dogs of China. I bought them in Okinawa when I was there many many years ago. When I shipped them to Texas, I did not pack them well enough and one broke much more than the other. The other broke into 3 pieces and was fairly easy to put back together. The other... not so much. It will probably not stand solidly once I'm done gorilla gluing it together. It also will have some chips missing. I do feel badly that I have broken them. I could try to be all profound and say that broken things can't be put back together the same way, but we all know I'm not profound. :) Luckily it is the one who keeps his mouth open to ward off evil spirits as opposed to the one whose mouth was closed to keep in good spirits. Maybe the cracks will confuse the evil spirits.

Galentine's Day

On my favorite TV show, Parks & Recreation, Leslie (the main character) celebrates Galentine's Day on February 13th. She goes over the top with presents for her gal pals, but basically the gist of the holiday is to celebrate your friends and what you love about them. I love the idea of this non-existent holiday. Romance comes and goes but hopefully friends are for as long as possible.

I have been lucky enough to know some really great women in my life. I've already sung the praises of Michelle. (Well I sung her praises a long time ago. Apparently this is a clear example of my 2nd word completion because I had intended to say a lot of nice things about a lot of nice people and managed to finish 2. Also, please note that here we are in the middle of February and I still don't have my 3rd word for the year.) (Also, note that this post is actually being finished in APRIL, I suck.)

It's amazing to think that I am where I am today because of the people who I've known along the way. My parents are odd birds. They don't have a lot of friends. And by don't have a lot I mean my dad has none and my mom's best friend died a couple years ago.  I don't really make a lot of friends either. I have a hard time with it. But, for the most part, the friends I make are long term and lasting. Since I have such a hard time making them, I hold on tightly to the ones I have. Luckily, they hold on to me too. :)

You can't spell debacle without acle?

So on spring break (about 2 weeks ago) we descended upon my parents' house in an attempt to help them with the chaos that reigns there. I underestimated the true amount of crap and overestimated my mother's willingness to part with any of it. As in, she has no willingness. None whatsoever. Not even an ounce of willingness.

Now I should say that I have given her an out. They could have said no at the beginning. AND about a week before we went, I emailed them and said look if you don't want us to do this, tell us NOW and we'll adjust our plans and expectations. No answer.

I also seriously underestimated the level of mentally ill my mother currently is. I say mentally ill, not to denigrate those with mental illnesses, but because she has to be (albeit undiagnosed). There can be no other explanation for her complete and total unwillingness to part with any of her treasures. Even when faced with things that are obviously trash. OBVIOUSLY trash, she can't bear to part with them. As my sister and I discussed one night, it isn't as though these are things that have sentimental value because of our childhood or even her own... these are OTHER PEOPLE'S treasures. She buys all this crap at yard sales.

We unloaded the maybe 50% of the living room. That was the only room we could even really work in. But since she wouldn't get rid of anything we mostly refilled the room when we were done.

So on the positive - My sister resealed the roof, which took almost a day. My niece and nephew found a box that contained stuff from my sister (their mother) before she died. It had photos of them from a period of time they didn't have any photos. They were very glad to find those. My nephew and I got rid of a bunch of yard debris. We got some family photos taken before my mother completely and totally melted down on Saturday.

I guess the biggest positive that came out of this is that I don't have to feel badly about it and we don't ever have to go back to try this. I do feel concern about it when they both pass, but that will be so much easier since we'll be able to throw away so much without them stalking us.

Odd House Things I'm Excited About

When I buy this house this fall this will be the first time I've ever owned property. It'll be the first time I'll get to decide what I have on the floor and what colors on the walls (the time I painted my walls in Seattle don't count since I paid through the nose for that...).  I did get some choice in my current apartment. They let me pick an accent wall color from a list of about 5 approved colors, so there you go a lot of choice. But that's not even what I'm excited about since I'm rather meh on wall colors. I've lived for almost all my adult life with variations on the shade of beige or ecru or offwhite and I mostly cover up the walls anyway. They are blank canvases for my other stuff. What I'm really excited about picking out for myself (in the long haul obviously)...

Faucets. I hate the short little stubby bathroom faucets. I don't understand why bathroom sinks are designed with these huge basins but the faucet is almost against the back part of the basin. It isn't like I'm washing my unmentionables under the faucet. I want faucets that extend quite a ways over the basin.

Floors. Eventually I'm going to have either ceramic tile or concrete floors. I'm buying a house in TexAss. It is hot here like 85% of the time. I think ceramic tile or concrete floors will help keep the house cooler than carpet. Plus I don't really like carpet. It is a pain to deal with. It usually looks flat and dingy. It's nice under the bare feet (which I always have bare feet) but I just really dislike it. And wood floors are nice, but I don't think they'll help with the heat factor as much as ceramic tile or concrete. A high school FB friend redid his floors in concrete. They are beautiful and more practical I think than carpet. I can always put down throw rugs or buy a nice area rug. I did have one coworker point out that with tile or concrete floors I'm pretty much guaranteeing anything I drop will break. Good to consider. :)

Shower head.  Almost all apartments and the gyms have the same style shower head. Most of the hotels I've stayed in (except the fancy ones) have had a similar too. It has two settings - awful and awfuler. I want one of those that have the big head and are more like a rain. I know Michelle had one that I loved (and she hated). I will have one of those in a bathroom in my house.

Honorable mention goes to window treatments. In every apartment I have lived in I've had mini-blinds. I hate mini-blinds. Give me a roman shade. Give me a regular shade. Give me a curtain. Just no more metal mini-blinds. This will probably be the first thing to deal with since I'm pretty houses don't come with window treatments. Haha! Since my mother and I are currently doing the 'dance of the birthday present' I may have something for her to do for me.

Taking the "high road"

My current employer is looking at beginning talks with my former hell employer about a partnership for a project to benefit employees. I've been trying to stay out of these conversations because just because I hate my former employer doesn't mean I should make those that work for them suffer. The project would be good for the revenue of my former employer. But as I've thought more and more about it, I'm not taking the high road. I'm doing my current employer a disservice by not being honest about my former employer. To wit, I genuinely feel that the upper management team is not proactive in dealing with problems that arise. They let bad things slide for far too long because they are so focused on their expansion that they can't fix the issues currently in the organization. Their employees are not motivated by anything other than fear. Their expansion appears to be unfocused and they end up with offices they don't know what to do with. And a quick google search tells me that their CFO, the one person I thought was reasonable on the executive team, is gone. Big shocker. It won't be up to me whether we do this partnership. If I had that power, I'd totally go with another group who is larger. But I'm definitely going to bring my concerns to the table.

Organized Atheism

In general, I'm a fairly laid back atheist. I don't care that other people believe. I don't care that it says in god we trust on money. I don't even really care if there is a moment of silence in schools. But as part of my building a community here, I decided to go to an atheist meet up. I've avoided them in general because I find it odd to sit around and talk about atheism. But I figured I'd try it out.

I found the group I found because there was a sign on the highway that advertised that they picked up litter along that stretch. I found that today was the day they clean up the highway and volunteered to do road clean up. I cleaned with two guys, one was new to the group and the other an old timer. The road clean up was fine. It is just road clean up which is no big deal.

They do a Wednesday night gathering and then apparently have business meetings once a month. After we cleaned up the road we went to lunch at a new Chinese food buffet

Anyway, I'm digressing. It was nice to meet new people and I'll probably try another event they do, but.. they're far more militant than I am. Apparently I am right to avoid atheism groups. I don't get a kick out of going where the believers are and engaging them in atheistic banter. I've never been persecuted for my non-beliefs. I don't feel the need to march or protest. Maybe I'll look for a different group that does activism that I'm more passionate about. As soon as I figure out what I'm more passionate about. :)

 I did like talking books with the young daughter of one of the members. She's reading Twilight and I gave her a bit of a hard time. But she's also read Hunger Games and HP (of course). I suggested the series I'm currently reading the Lorien Legacies.

Oh... and one of the weird guys I was picking up trash with messaged me about wanting to get together and chat sometime. Uh, no. Just no.

Word number 2 - Completion

There are 32 uncompleted posts on my blog dashboard. There used to be more but I've deleted some since then. I feel like this is emblematic about me. I feel like I tend to not finish things. I think I get involved in the research and the process but can't push the button. This year I want to work on that. I would like to finish things and feel like I can say look that's done. Shortly after I moved here I 'started' putting together what I needed to make a scrapbook of my scout years. That's in a box by the closet door. Last year I started on a project for Lyday. That might actually get done, but mostly because she's waiting for it. So I want to finish things this year. I want to complete my homebuying goal. I want to finish Lyday's blanket. I want to finish some of the work projects I start that I don't want to do. :)  So word number 2 is about finishing what I start - everything I start (well probably not EVERYTHING, let's be realistic) and not getting sidetracked by inanity. Except for brownies. It would probably be better if I didn't always finish the brownies. :)

Extremely Stubborn And Suspicious

There's a line from Mary Poppins where she measures Michael Banks with her magical tape measure and it says he is extremely stubborn and suspicious. I am extremely stubborn and suspicious. I've heard from someone with a vague link to my past recently. My first thought was not, wow, how nice to hear from this person. It was 'what does she want?'  Now that we're exchanging pleasantries I'm still thinking this way. I'm afraid she's going to ask me things I don't want to answer or I don't know how to answer.

Long Term Goal/Mid term goal

So I downloaded an app that is helping me track my debt repayment. Theoretically, if everything goes well by 2016 I'll be debt free except for my house. When that happens I think that's when I'll start looking for a library job. I won't be paying a huge chunk of cash out of my budget each month and I think I can take the pay hit that I'll take as a librarian. Luckily I'll be able to stalk the people I worked with at the library for my internship to see when they'll be retiring.

At my gym they have a website mymobilefit. Today I enrolled for their lifestyle challenge. I won't be as hardcore about somethings as I could be but I'm interested in the way the website can create workouts for me and help me with meal planning.

Correct Career Path

I've been working on researching for my home purchase this year. I might be enjoying this research phase a little too much. I love looking at all the houses online. I love thinking about all the possibilities and researching to find the best information. I've queried my coworkers about mundane topics like their electric bills and water bill. This morning I emailed my current insurance provider to ask about things I should look for in a home to lower my homeowners insurance (well and to find out how horrifically much more it would be if my delightful new (to me) home had a pool). The research part is so much fun! I'm sure the actual moving in and settling down may not be nearly as awesome. :) (Or it will be but the possibilities are just so damn exciting!)

Also, I like playing the "what the hell is wrong with this house" game. (Like the one I'm currently looking at which is $59,000.  It looks like it is perfectly normal. 

Fiyah! - Apps Apps and more Apps

I won a Kindle Fire in a drawing in December. I lurve it far more than I thought I ever would. (Oh wait I had it before I went to CA so I must have won it in November).  I love the ease of use. I love the ease of downloading crap. I love the portability. I love that I can find free wifi almost everywhere so I don't have to have a data plan. (It isn't fancy enough to require a data plan, it has to connect to the world on wifi only.) 

So the first thing I did when opening the Kindle Fire - Apps. Now whatever Apps that I talk about are ones I've purchased of my own volition and not because I have received any renumeration for anything I may say or not say about their awesomeness or lack of awesomeness. Additionally, the fiyah uses Android platform (is that the right word) and you mostly have to get the Apps from the Kindle Store so I may have a bum app (which I do) which may actually be perfectly normal in the real App store but since I'm limited to the ones from the fiyah store I'm stuck.

First apps I downloaded were the mail, twitter and facebook app. Yahoo mail and twitter work just fine and mostly how you'd expect. They work just like the ones on your phone. The facebook app is a waste of time. It has some weird bug that limits what you can see to only the top 6 or 7 items in the newsfeed. Since I have zero reception (for anything cell phones included) in my office, I can't check facebook 400 times a day and can only do so at lunch in the breakroom or at the end of the day. Thus, when I use their facebook app I can see 6 events and that's it. Totes frustrating. I just use the web version of the facebook.

The next thing I downloaded were a bunch of games I'd heard of but never got to play... Oh and those group games that everyone likes. Sadly, for me, many of those have already been abandoned by all my friends who used to play them. :)  BUT I did pull down Hanging, Words and Scramble with Friends. I like all of them. I also grabbed Draw Something which I play with my mother of all people. Neither of us has very good artistic skills. But all those apps work just fine and the way you'd expect them to. No surprises there.

I also downloaded (and here's how you know I'm behind the curve) Angry Birds. That game IS addicting. I've completed almost the whole thing, but several times I've had to consult YouTube for assistance.  (Now there's an app the fiyah doesn't have - a good YouTube app, perhaps because it doesn't have a camera and recording capability?)

Netflix and Hulu Plus are both available. I'm currently a member of Netflix (although maybe not for long) and not a member of Hulu Plus (although maybe not for long) so we'll see. The netflix app works just fine and is easy to use.

I do love the pinterest app. I'm not sure why but I like the interface and how easy it is to see all the pins. I don't like that it seems like (and I could be wrong) that in the attempt to save space on the screen (or something), when I'm repinning I can't see ALL the boards I can pin on so that can get frustrating for me.

While I was visiting M's kiddos in CA (oh that sounds like I go there just to see the kiddos... ) While I was visiting M & the fam in CA, I downloaded several kiddo apps. What bugs me about kid apps (which is what I'm sure kids love about kid apps) is the need to add on to the app. I downloaded some free coloring apps and those were fine, but any of the dress up apps you had to buy up for more stuff. I have smartly turned off in-app purchasing so I did not get a $600 bill from Amazon for my in-app purchasing. Oh unlike the iphones (and my droid phone) Amazon provides me a receipt for any app I purchase. (Even those that are free) Since those are automatically sent to my email I would see it much quicker if I had kiddos doing in-app purchasing that I was unaware of.

The app I just recently downloaded (and the actual reason for my app posting) is called Erase Debt. I put in my debt situation and give it some variables such as how much extra I can put toward debt and it calculates for me my debt payback schedules and how long it would take and how much I'm paying over the purchase. I'm hoping this app helps keep me on track to become debt free in the future. I like that I can adjust how much I want to put towards debt repayment per month and it will readjust the repayment schedules. I also like that it isn't tied to anything so there's no sharing of data between that app and my card companies or anything.

And let's not forget the Fiyah's original use - books. All my already purchased books hang out in 'the cloud' and I can pull them down or remove them from the device anytime I am hooked up to wifi. (Well I can delete them anytime but I can only pull them down when I'm connected to wifi). I like that the fiyah is back lit so I can read in the dark. It is probably bad for my eyes or something but I like reading in the dark. My local library has books for me to check out and since I can access the internet from the fiyah I can do it all on the fiyah and not have to go back and forth from computer to kindle. If I decide to join Amazon Prime (in consideration), I can also check out books from Amazon Prime's lending library so that's nifty too.

Vastly Different

For most of my working life I've worked for companies or a private university. Now I work for a governmental entity. What fascinates me is how public everything that we do has now become. There was a payroll issue today, which was a pretty big deal but I recognize that this is the first time this has happened in 30 years so that's pretty damn good. I have been at least one other (maybe 2 actually) places where this issue has happened before.  The big difference - this was front page news in my hamlet. Apparently once a year my employer will publish the salaries of pretty much all of us. I'm not sure if they do it by job title or specify salary by person. Under the Freedom of Information Act, people can request all sorts of information (and in fact I had to sign off on a form so that they couldn't release my SSN). 

The result of this is that everything we tell people (including employees) is fairly calculated. I went over to a notboss (if you will recall a notboss is what I refer to as someone higher on the food chain than me but not over my department) to ask what I needed to tell employees when they called and he couldn't believe employees would call my group on this. The man has no idea. We get called for everything - in fact I frequently hear "I don't think this is your area but..." JFC if you know I'm not the right persno why are you calling me?

Square Peg, Round Hole

Lyndsy pointed out in the comments on yesterday's post about home that perhaps Fort Worth isn't the right place for me since I haven't found "my people" here.

If I'm being honest, and why the hell not, it isn't that there aren't "my people" here, it's me. I have always had a very hard time making friends. Maybe it is because I was painfully shy as a kid (a trait I still have). Maybe it is due to a ridiculous level of low self-esteem that says 'why would someone want to be friends with you?' (Ok yeah that one is a biggie) I can't expect to move to a new place and have my life be magically different.  So far in multiple states that hasn't happened. The difference between Texas and some of the other states I've lived in is that I had built in friends already. When I moved to CA, I moved in with Michelle. In fact, when she moved out and started dating her now husband I actually had a bit of a hard time because she wasn't around as much. So I went back to my isolated status.  In Seattle I had V and through V Matty P. I picked up a few other friends along the way but it took years to get there. And if I'm being honest (and why the hell not) for many of my friends it was pretty rare that I'd initiate contact or an activity. (Lyndsy and Stephen were both exceptions to that but that took quite some time as well and at least in Lyndsy's case at the time she didn't have a whole lot of local friends either (don't hate me for saying that L)) Mostly I'd wait until I got invited because I couldn't imagine they would want me around. Matty P once said (and I wrote it down have carried it around with me for years because I value it so much) that I really under value what I have to offer as a friend. I know he's right.

A FOAF (friend of a friend although she's kind of my friend too but maybe not so much hard to know) once commented to our mutual friend that she was surprised we were friends. That cut me to the core because one of my biggest fears is that people are just tolerating me. That I'm the hanger on that you have to put up with if you want the better person to come to the party too.

In all honesty this is one area I don't know how to fix. It's probably a years of talk therapy kind of thing.

One Word - Home

Michelle is doing this whole thing with three words for her new year. I like her words. they are very clever and really clear. She joined Chris Brogan's Brave New Year program.

I don't really do resolutions, just goals. And sometimes I do well with my goals and other times I don't. So looking at my earlier goal for the new year and expanding it further leads me to the word "Home."

For me home means so much more than the big goal of purchasing a home. It relates much more to accepting jesus christ as my... oh no wait not that. It relates much more to accepting Texas as my home and building the relationships and experiences necessary to make Texas my home and not just some place I'm currently living. I have to get more involved in my community. I need to get out more and be active to try to meet new people. I also need to explore my community. I've lived here for three years and I barely know my city beyond my immediate suburb. (This will also help me in the house hunting project since a house in my current neighborhood is probably going to be more expensive than I want).  I want to feel less temporary about Texas. I can't build a life here if I'm always looking onward at where to go next.

So there is word number 1 - do what is necessary to make Fort Worth not just the place I currently live, but my home.

Goals for the New Year

Michelle sets up themes for her goals for New Year. Last year it was Health and Finances. I don't really have a theme for 2013. Maybe it is Home.

My first goal - buy a house. Unlike Seattle, FW is a unique position in that I could probably save $300/mo by buying a house. Or not. Given that my electric bill will probably go up (although when I move into a house I'm switching off the rock & twig hippy electric company I currently use) that'll take up some of my funds. I'll have to pay sewage and water and all that which I currently pay only about $20/mo for. At least I presume it would go up. (Look in the span of 10 short minutes I've talked myself out of it). :) But that's my goal. That's my biggest goal. I hope I can make it work. My lease is up in August so I'll begin to seriously start looking at houses in May. I think that's the right time. It gives me 3 months to find and go through the process. You know, unless I'm too optimistic. :)

My other goals are much more minor. I want to keep going to the gym regularly. I want to work on debt. Not encouraging more but reducing the current one I have. I may have to forgoe some things I usually want to do.

Domestic Time

In an apparent vain effort to become more fiscally responsible, I have given up the housekeeper. So I now have cleaning supplies and a vacuum and everything. I used to think I didn't really take pride in cleaning, but I think now I get it. I have been cleaning the kitchen this morning and it has been good for me to really go through my stuff to purge and clean as I go. I have been reading about hoarding and my sister and I will have to be vigilant (probably me more than her because she moves for work a lot) because there is a nurture component to it. Which I can see. Before I moved out of Seattle, I was probably more on the brink than I care to admit. And it is easy to get overwhelmed, especially if you are as big a hermit as I am. If it is just me and the cat, why bother cleaning? Luckily I get visitors from far away places periodically. So here is an open invitation, need a place to stay in the metroplex? Come on by. : )

Fish or Cut Bait

I think I want to buy a house next year. Unlike in Seattle, I could actually get a house here and my house payments would be less than my current rent. The reasons are solid. I like my job. I don't HATE Texas. As I drove around town the other day I actually thought about making my stay here permanent. I'm sick of moving. I'm sick of starting all over in a new state. I think I'm ready to be a grown-up.

If I acquire a house, I can start the process to acquire children as well. I could do so while living in an apartment, but I live in a one bedroom and children need their own bedrooms and we go back to the I can buy a house cheaper than my current rent is - with multiple bedrooms.  The one thing that makes me nervous is the electric bill. Mine is currently appalling (to me). With so much more space in a house... I shudder to think. The winter is fine because I barely use heat but the summer... I NEED AC.