Saturday, March 17, 2012

Adult Nightmares

When I was a little girl, I had a "monster" bell. The bell would ring if there were monsters in the room. I remember jumping far over the edge of the bed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night in case monsters were under my bed. I would then jump from the doorway back into bed to avoid the monsters under the bed. I think, in general, nightmares are about powerlessness. As a kid you are powerless against monsters or ghosts or skeletons or being left alone at the zoo.

My adult nightmares are also about powerlessness, but since they're all things that COULD happen, they get that much worse. Last night/this morning I had a dream that Michelle's kids died. Like the 3 of us adults watched it happen, but while she and her husband were part of the scene, I was more like Scrooge and just observing the scene. I couldn't help the kids I couldn't help her and her husband.  I couldn't reach out and save one of the kids. I just had to watch it happen. Another recent dream was that my mom was in the hospital with a heart attack and was on the brink of death. But nobody would let me in to the hospital.  Nobody would tell me what was going on, I just knew it in my bones that was happening.  I think I had another one about Kate (in Vt not Katey) and her husband Dave dying.   Before Vlad died my nightmares were more about despair and hopelessness but manifesting itself in different ways. I was in a hospice dying all alone. I was homeless. My sister had disappeared and I couldn't find her.  Now it is all death all the time and all I can do is watch as the people I love die and not support the survivors.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. I'm hanging on to so much guilt that I need to let go. I know in my head I did the right thing for me at the right time. Vlad was an alcoholic. He owed me money. I loaned him a computer he never returned. I helped him move after he'd been evicted TWICE for non-payment of rent. He became more and more aggressive when he drank and I would get so embarrassed by his behavior. He lost jobs. The jobs he began to take were all in bars where he could then drink for free.  I couldn't be around that anymore. I get, in my head, that backing away from our friendship was right. Hopefully someday my heart will agree.

1 comment:

Peeved Michelle said...

Your sadness and your guilt are all wrapped up together. You'll get there with the guilt. Friendships aren't necessarily forever. You two had each other when you needed each other and were good for each other. When that time passed, you moved on. Even though it was your decision and he felt betrayed by it at the time, you weren't the right friend for him anymore either. He just didn't know it yet. Both of you developed new relationships (or depended more on other relationships) to continue to get what you needed. Just because you weren't there at the end doesn't mean that you didn't contribute greatly to his life. The people he had there at the end were the right people for that time in his life.

I hope you can work on letting go of the guilt and just be sad about losing a friend who was once your very best friend.