Thursday, January 03, 2013

Square Peg, Round Hole

Lyndsy pointed out in the comments on yesterday's post about home that perhaps Fort Worth isn't the right place for me since I haven't found "my people" here.

If I'm being honest, and why the hell not, it isn't that there aren't "my people" here, it's me. I have always had a very hard time making friends. Maybe it is because I was painfully shy as a kid (a trait I still have). Maybe it is due to a ridiculous level of low self-esteem that says 'why would someone want to be friends with you?' (Ok yeah that one is a biggie) I can't expect to move to a new place and have my life be magically different.  So far in multiple states that hasn't happened. The difference between Texas and some of the other states I've lived in is that I had built in friends already. When I moved to CA, I moved in with Michelle. In fact, when she moved out and started dating her now husband I actually had a bit of a hard time because she wasn't around as much. So I went back to my isolated status.  In Seattle I had V and through V Matty P. I picked up a few other friends along the way but it took years to get there. And if I'm being honest (and why the hell not) for many of my friends it was pretty rare that I'd initiate contact or an activity. (Lyndsy and Stephen were both exceptions to that but that took quite some time as well and at least in Lyndsy's case at the time she didn't have a whole lot of local friends either (don't hate me for saying that L)) Mostly I'd wait until I got invited because I couldn't imagine they would want me around. Matty P once said (and I wrote it down have carried it around with me for years because I value it so much) that I really under value what I have to offer as a friend. I know he's right.

A FOAF (friend of a friend although she's kind of my friend too but maybe not so much hard to know) once commented to our mutual friend that she was surprised we were friends. That cut me to the core because one of my biggest fears is that people are just tolerating me. That I'm the hanger on that you have to put up with if you want the better person to come to the party too.

In all honesty this is one area I don't know how to fix. It's probably a years of talk therapy kind of thing.

1 comment:

Lyndsy said...

I can't get mad at you for saying what's the truth. I didn't have a lot of local friends, and I wasn't meeting people I really liked anyway.

However, I didn't even mean for you to have close friends necessarily. I just meant that you found a lot of places to volunteer in Seattle, other things to keep you occupied. You don't seem to have that in Ft. Worth.

And in terms of friends, you're an EXCELLENT friend. Matty P was absolutely right. I'm lucky that you tolerate me :)

And you know, that is hard to get through, the whole feeling like people might not actually want to be friends with you. Maybe we, as your friends, aren't doing enough to make sure you know that.