blogger's block

I keep starting posts and then deleting them. I think it is because I'm bored with my life so I can't imagine how anyone else wouldn't be bored with my life too. BUT in non-boring thoughts:

1. I'm thinking of trying eharmony again. OKcupid has provided me with a couple of dates so why not. (Oh why not? try abazillion dollars a month that's why not... but you never know.)

2. I was just thinking about cutting off my hair. It gets too hot on my neck. I have a lot of hair. (I don't actually think that is a non-boring thought. It seems pretty boring to me)

3. Oh I did have fun at water aerobics tonight.  We were doing these things called roly polies (well that's what the instructor calls them).  Basically you float on your back and then using your abs flip yourself to the front like superman and then flip back to your back. Over and over and over again. Now in class most use either the pool noodle or the 'weights.'  I do neither. I don't need either. Apparently the instructor can't do them without the noodle or the weights. Haha! Take that! (Really I don't know why this pleased me but it did.  Sometimes it is the simple things, you know)

4. I've been reading a lot of YA books lately. I seem to feel too restless to read an entire book so I've been reading a few beginning chapters. Skipping to the end chapters and then jumping back to a few of the middle chapters. That counts as reading a book, right?

My baby sister

I don't know if I ever really mention my baby sister. I had 2 sisters. One older and one younger. The older one died 10 years ago June. The younger one is still alive. She has a kid, the kid's 16.

She's super cute. (But probably dates men who are less awesome than she is).

These two were taken when we went to Leavenworth, WA one Christmasish time.

She's done a lot of super cool things like get SCUBA certified and live in a foreign country for YEARS.

She's been to more international destinations than I have.

This is her when we went ziplining. I would have been interested in it, but I'm not sure I would have done it if she hadn't agreed to do it.  

She's raised her kid mostly alone. She's much more into family than I am. Probably because they liked her better. :) (This is at the fair. I did not attempt a 'bull' ride because I am easily embarrassed and a wuss.)

Have I mentioned she's cute? And pretty funny. Oh and I'm fortunate that she doesn't hold crap against me because she totally could.

She used to be a gymnast and a diver and a cheerleader. You can tell by her form. (This is at a lake here in Texas. Total old school swimming hole).

I have a digital photo frame in my office. One of her pictures came up and I realized she really is awesome. I probably don't tell her that enough.

What I wanted to Say

There was a post to my celiac group tonight that I feel exemplifies what I hate about my celiac community. We, to my knowledge more than any other allergen group, demand special treatment to the point of entitlement. Nowhere in the Constitution are we guaranteed the right to eat at Subway. And why, in all honesty, would we want to make a fuss about a restaurant that doesn't cater to our every whim when we are not their core demographic? I have no idea why this post is pissing me off as much as it is. I don't usually get my dander up about my celiac listserv even though I usually think most of them are a bunch of whiney princesses. The post and my thoughts after the jump

Bliss

It is amazing to think about just how desperately unhappy my job made me and how much that affected my life here in Texas.  I don't know if this is the last place I will live, I sincerely doubt it is, but now that I'm working at a job I enjoy I'm finding myself refreshed and content with living here.

I've been 'nesting' like a fool for the last several weeks. I have planted about 8 container gardens on my balcony and this weekend I picked up 2 chairs and a little table for the balcony. I sat out there for over an hour today and just enjoyed it. I haven't felt that content in a long time. (Although I did buy 2 chairs because I've read that it is bad feng shui to only buy one, you're implying that you have no room in your life for someone else. Plus I figured the cat would take one over eventually, although he has his very own mat that he seems to love that lives on the balcony too. And he seems to enjoy sitting on my lap while I'm on the balcony.) (That's a lot of parentheticals FYI). 

I am still taking my anti-depressants (although just like before I always seem to forget to take them on the weekend). I'm okay with that though.

So far I really like my job. It is mostly projects and I get to do things I like to do. I have only run into a couple things I don't like to do but since they are so few and far between it makes doing them that much easier. I like the people I work with including my boss and my boss's boss. I am the 2nd youngest one in my group (which seems to be the norm for me somehow). (And they're all significantly older than me) (Like 10 years). I even like my passive aggressive (PA) coworker. Most of them are SUPER religious. Like SUPER religious. (I don't think it is possible for me to stress enough how religious they are). Oh and the admin is a little bit... southern belleish. She doesn't believe women should be firefighters. I forget the other thing she said that made me go 'hmmm...' but it was along those same lines.

I graduate in 26 days!  Cap and gown came in yesterday. My whole family is coming to see me graduate (well by whole family I mean parents and sister and her kid. The other 2 kiddos aren't so kiddo anymore and both are poor as churchmice since their dad is Satan). We'll do a little hanging out for the weekend too. I'm trying to figure out what would be a good thing for Mother's day since I presume my little sister will have to fly back sometime Sunday.

My 20 year high school reunion is coming up in June. If I think about it too hard that freaks me out a little bit. I'm facebook friends with a bunch of them. I feel like I've accomplished nothing compared to some of them. Also, a whole bunch of them became super religious. What the hell? I've messaged a few people I really hope to see to see if they're going. That will help me decide if I'm going since by then I still won't have any vacation to use (6 month waiting period for vacay - it's the reason I'm not going to BlogHer this year).  I'll end up flying in either late Friday night or early Saturday morning and flying back out on Sunday which seems a little whirlwindy and expensive (unless I use flight benefits) for such a short period of time.

Container Gardening

I've decided I want to make my balcony useful and pretty so I've begun container gardening. I started with just a little herb container.  Actually it is all the show "My Cat from Hell"'s fault.  I was watching it and the cat guy created a little herb garden for one of the cats. So for Sam I planted cat grass, sage and parsley. So far Sam is uninterested in the sage and the parsley. (But the sage is pineapple sage which smells so nice!).  I also sowed the seeds of catnip, basil and something else. With the success of that I decided to go further. I planted some onions, columbine (flower), snapdragons (one of my favorite flowers), carrot seeds, cucumber, watermelon, red pepper, forget-me-nots and canteloupe. So far, one of the watermelon seedlings died but the other is looking pretty good. The carrots are beginning to sprout and I'll have to thin them soon I think. I managed to move the catnip outdoors since it was coming in nicely.  In some indoor sowing, I can see the canteloupe beginning to grow. So far, no sprouts on the forget-me-nots or the other two peat pots that have ... I can't remember - basil is one I think.  Today I decided to add a little bit more, but strictly flowers this time. I bought African daisy and California poppy seeds and just threw them in a pot with some soil. I'm not sowing them indoors first. The last flower I bought was sweetpea. I love sweetpeas. (The flower, not the food.  Do sweetpea flowers bring about real peas? I don't know about that.)

If all goes well, I'll be graduating on May 11th with my Master's in Library Science. I'm not going to be using it right off the bat. I still really like the job I'm currently doing. :) My parents are actually coming to my graduation. I feel kind of happy about that. I think I would have been disappointed if I asked if they were interested and they weren't. I may or may not have a 4.0. I think my cataloging class is going to give me a B. But I am hopeful. I have no idea what my collection development class will give me since the professor thus far has not returned any of my papers. I have no idea how I've done and that is really annoying me. Apparently she recognizes that's an issue since she pushed back the due date of our most recent assignment until the 6th since she knows she hasn't graded our papers yet.

Adult Nightmares

When I was a little girl, I had a "monster" bell. The bell would ring if there were monsters in the room. I remember jumping far over the edge of the bed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night in case monsters were under my bed. I would then jump from the doorway back into bed to avoid the monsters under the bed. I think, in general, nightmares are about powerlessness. As a kid you are powerless against monsters or ghosts or skeletons or being left alone at the zoo.

My adult nightmares are also about powerlessness, but since they're all things that COULD happen, they get that much worse. Last night/this morning I had a dream that Michelle's kids died. Like the 3 of us adults watched it happen, but while she and her husband were part of the scene, I was more like Scrooge and just observing the scene. I couldn't help the kids I couldn't help her and her husband.  I couldn't reach out and save one of the kids. I just had to watch it happen. Another recent dream was that my mom was in the hospital with a heart attack and was on the brink of death. But nobody would let me in to the hospital.  Nobody would tell me what was going on, I just knew it in my bones that was happening.  I think I had another one about Kate (in Vt not Katey) and her husband Dave dying.   Before Vlad died my nightmares were more about despair and hopelessness but manifesting itself in different ways. I was in a hospice dying all alone. I was homeless. My sister had disappeared and I couldn't find her.  Now it is all death all the time and all I can do is watch as the people I love die and not support the survivors.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. I'm hanging on to so much guilt that I need to let go. I know in my head I did the right thing for me at the right time. Vlad was an alcoholic. He owed me money. I loaned him a computer he never returned. I helped him move after he'd been evicted TWICE for non-payment of rent. He became more and more aggressive when he drank and I would get so embarrassed by his behavior. He lost jobs. The jobs he began to take were all in bars where he could then drink for free.  I couldn't be around that anymore. I get, in my head, that backing away from our friendship was right. Hopefully someday my heart will agree.

Taking Back Sundays

For the longest time Sunday was my favorite day of the week. I'm a morning person and since Sundays are lazy days for a lot of people (or church days for others) I could get up, do my laundry and run my errands in the morning leaving me the afternoons free to do Sunday Adventures! In some respects, that hasn't changed for me here in Texas. I'm still an early riser.  Since I have a washer & dryer in my apartment I don't have to fight the laundry room crowd so I don't always do my laundry on Sundays. I get up and go to brunch or breakfast and then (currently) spend the afternoon in my practicum or else working on homework. 

The hard thing about Sundays is that there was always a cloud hanging over my head. Sundays meant going to work on Monday and goodness knows I didn't want to do that. The amount I dreaded work increased throughout Sunday until Sunday night when I would have a hard time sleeping. With my new job, at least currently, I don't dread Sundays. This past Sunday I got up early, went to breakfast and then went shopping before my practicum at 1:00. It was nice. I had forgotten how much I love Sundays. The only down side to Sundays in Texas is that a lot of stores don't open until later than I'd like. But a minor issue and once my practicum is over, I'll get to play again.

On Dying & Pets

My parents have 2 cats. Max and something else. Sweetums I think.  They are LONG haired cats because my mother loves Persian cats. Sweetums is old, I think. Max is not so old maybe 3.  My parents are OLD (75 & 70).  It dawned on me recently that the odds are good one or more of the cats will outlive them.  Since my nephew, who kind of liked Max I think, lives with Satan right now he wouldn't be able to take them. That leaves them to my sister or I or one each. The reason I got Sam was because he's a short haired cat. Many of my friends are cat allergic and while a cat is still a cat, short hair is easier on them than long hair. They can tolerate the short hair for a longer period of time.  It is a sort of compromise without really being one. Also I hate Persian cat coats because they require intensive maintenance. I brush Sam when his fur is shedding into my face a lot, but I never have to worry about him looking like a psychotic ball of mats.

A couple of tweeps suggested ASPCA or euthanasia.  Neither is really an option.  We have a long and somewhat weird history with pets. Growing up we always had cats and dogs. All of our pets were strays acquired either from shelters or somehow through my older sister.  Especially from my older sister who would acquire them and then be living in a place that wouldn't let her have them.  I have no idea where Charlie (cat named after Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka) or Keffie (daschund) came from (I believe they moved from PA with us when I was 4ish).  Mouse (a dachapoo) came from my sister. We went to the animal shelter when I was age something (like 6 or 7) and I got to adopt Midnight (black cat obviously).  Boogack (another black cat I think my sister named it and it may have had another realer name before that one which if I think about it hard enough the original name may have actually been "Black cat") also came from a shelter. Nick (another daschund) came via my sister. Smokey (gray cat awesome but a hugeass bitch) sister. Sebastian I adopted from the shelter via my mother who was there for some random reason. We had to put Seb down maybe 2 years later tops for feline leukemia.  For a brief time we had TJ Waterbuffalo (a sheepdog who went to live on one of my sisters' friends' ranches he was just way too big for our little house and yard) and he came from my sister natch. There was Groucho who had been a neighbor's cat but decided she liked us better. (And the neighbor's grandmother with whom they were living was just fine with that solution).  For awhile when my sister lived with us again her manx cat Jamie lived with us too.  Jamie she always kept with her. I'm sure I may be forgetting a few. Oh after I left and was a grown up they acquired Ming (shih tzu) from when my grandmother died. And how could I forget the one that started her Persian obsession... I want to say his name was Buddy. He was gray. I think he came via my sister. He also, at one point in his life, got into a battle with a neighbor cat that he almost lost and got his throat ripped open. Or maybe that was Smokey. (Seriously the gray and the black cats run together after awhile).  I also think there was a second Buddy in there, Max is kind of white but she had a tan Persian for awhile too.  Champagne puddles (also Persian cat) I think also came via my sister (although I could be wrong about that one). 

All in all, growing up we had a lot of pets most of whom were cast off and rejects from other places.  Smokey had been a feral cat out at a trailer park where my sister lived for a time. How my sister decided we needed him I'll never know, but I liked Smokey even though she intially pretty much hated people. I was the only one who could flip her on her back and pet her chest while cradling her like a baby. My father always thought that was brave of me.  It was drilled into me that you don't give up the pets. It isn't their fault if you are a fuck up. Now, as an adult I can definitely see the gray areas in pet ownership.  If a pet is dangerous to to the family or other people, that's a problem. Having been attacked by someone's pet dog more than once (once requiring 9 stitches and had it been a little higher my girlie bits would be a lot different), I'll never say that all pets should be kept at all times by all people.  And while I don't believe necessarily in "dangerous" breeds, I do know that some animals, due to inbreeding or just the way their mutt genes combine, don't turn out quite right.  Champagne puddles (registered name Champagne Bubbles) was an awful cat. She never came out from under the bed, unless it was to pee on the bed. She peed on it once with my father in it asleep. They had to keep a shower curtain on the bed because of her. And yet, as my father pointed out, it wasn't her fault she was batshit crazy. Since she wasn't a danger to anyone, she got to live. We never, as I recall, had any dangerous dogs. The worst was probably Smokey who we mostly let have her own way until she got used to us. She was hostile, but not aggressive.

When my sister died in 2002, she behind more than just 2 kids. She and the kids had pets.  The horses were actually already willed to people so that was taken care of. (And it was a good thing since Satan wanted to sell them out from under the rightful owners).  I believe my nephew's dog had already died by that point. I know Jamie had passed by then. So that left a ferret named Slinky, a lunatic Australian Shepherd named Robin and my niece's cat Sugar.  When I found out my sister died, one of the first things I said to my parents was make sure you take the ferret. I knew Satan wouldn't want him and wanted to make sure Slinky lived out the end of his life content.  I offered to take him but they decided to hold on to him.  So this left Robin and Sugar. As I understand it, Satan offered my 12ish year old niece a choice. She could keep Robin, her mother's dog, or Sugar, her cat. He then had Robin put down.  To be remotely fair (not really) Robin was pretty old. Sugar was very young. He then left Sugar at the empty house until one of the rightful horse owners picked her up and brought her back to live with my parents.

In any event, the only way pets left the family, with the exception of TJ, is via their own death. Either we had them put to sleep after they were too sick and it was too cruel to make them live anymore or they died on their own somewhere in the house. I remember Charlie died under their bed. Midnight had to be put down due to Feline Leukemia. It happened while I was on vacation in Japan and I was heartbroken.  The cats were all indoor/outdoor cats. They could come and go as they pleased and I feel fairly certain one of them became hawk food right out of our back yard. 

I don't know what this will mean for Max and Sweetums. Sam HATES other cats and makes Max's life miserable whenever my parents drive through on their way to Florida. Of course he'd eventually get over it and/or Sweetums would knock Sam silly with her still clawed paws and that would be the end of that. But (Along with a house that would make the people on hoarders see dollar signs in terms of how much money we would have to pay them to take care of it all) they are something me (or my sister) will have to figure out when the time comes.  I suppose it would be unkind of me to say to my mother "You can't get any more cats because you are old and I don't want to end up with them."  But I kind of want to.

New Job!

For those not following along at home, I quit my evil, horrible, made me sad, I can't work for this psycho bitch anymore job.  Surprisingly while I worked out my notice, I actually got offered another job. I originally was only taking a week off between jobs, but evil boss decided she didn't want me there when she was gone, so I ended up leaving early from that job (and getting paid out).  My baby sister and I went to DC which none of us have ever been to. We packed as much as we possibly could into our 4 days. It was AWESOME! And I have pictures I have to pull off the camera eventually. 

I started the new job on Monday. So far it is good, but beginning a new job is exhausting. I was so tired yesterday, Wednesday, I fell asleep at 6:30. Woke up long enough to watch Revenge via the DVR (at 10) and then went back to bed. My new boss has really just started me right away on projects, which I appreciate. The downfall is that I have zero cell reception in my office.

Remembering Vlad

I've been running non-stop since Sunday to avoid thinking about this. My friend Volodiya died. Early readers of this blog, that may only be Michelle, may remember he used to post here periodically.

We met in college. He was the first gay person who I knew was gay. Even then, I had to have it explained to me since I thought since he had a picture of Marilyn Monroe that must mean he was straight. I was naive, I confess. We hung out through college. When Kate & I had our falling out he was there to pick up my pieces. He took me out to the middle of nowhere to celebrate my 21st birthday where we ate cake and drank a lot and had friends come out and drink.  He's the reason I can type 80 words per minute.  One of my favorite letters I received from him while he was in France complained about how useless the internet was. (This was pre-search engines).  He used to call me up and say "Hey, Baby, what are you wearing?"  My response was always "Nothing but a smile big boy." He would then scream like a girl and we would laugh and laugh. We spent one Christmas break playing Super Nintendo and listening to The Smiths. Only Morrissey understands! 

Volodiya made me laugh and made me cry. He protected me. He drank with me. He supported me when I needed it. We grew apart and lost touch. I missed him and still do. And now he's gone and I'll never be able to apologize. And I'm not sure how I'll get over that.

This is not a post about my work status or my schooling.

Aren't you relieved?

I needed a new skin care regime. My "T" zone was super dry and flakey sometimes. I went to Ulta and was chatting with one of the sales reps. She recommended Dermalogica so I bought one of those kits. I'm now being a grown up and not just using hand soap and regular facial lotion on my face. So far I like what it is doing to my face. It feels nice.  AND I recently got a compliment on my face by a coworker. She said she could tell I'm doing something different.

Bittersweet Relief

My period of unemployment theoretically is over before it even began. I was offered a job yesterday.  I am excited about that. I am relieved about that.  The thought of actually being unemployed scared me a lot. Now I say theoretically I was offered a job because technically I have not received an actual offer yet. I've received verbal confirmation that I'm their first choice, but right now they are calling my references and doing a background check. One of those two things could cause me to fail. Maybe. I hope not. I also don't know how much salary or what start date would be yet so although I may have a job, I'll believe it when I see it. 

The Pros:  in Fort Worth so I don't have to move from my current apartment. In an industry I've been hoping to break into. It is a job with income, hopefully comparable to what I earn now although I know the max is less than I currently earn.  I can rehire the housekeeper. :) (although I won't until I actually get an offer and a salary).

The Cons: It isn't in a library. There's a fellowship I really want which would mean moving in July and quitting which would make me feel badly. (Realistically speaking the odds are low I'd get it but I'm still applying because it would be kickass).  I'll be working full time while juggling 13 credit hours. I was kind of hoping for a little break so I could really focus on school. 

Luckily, I won't start until after comp exam so I'll have a week off between the two jobs. I'm going to DC with my sister and her kid for a little long weekend which I've never been there. I'm feeling really positive about things, which is exciting because it has been a long time since I've really felt positive. (Positivity tweets notwithstanding.) 

Journey into Unemployment

Today I gave notice at my job. I am super excited about leaving this job. As part of getting ready to be unemployed I contacted my housekeepers to tell them 2 things. 1.  They haven't billed me for last housekeeper day. 2. I'm cancelling because I'm about to be unemployed.  Well, they claim they haven't billed me for last housekeeper day because the housekeeper didn't come.  Sadly that is incorrect since I had a newly made bed that I didn't make. Which I reported to them. She said she would investigate, but then said she may not look too hard since I'm about to be unemployed and all.  That was super sweet!

My evil boss has agreed to not fight unemployment payments for me.  This is kind of huge because it means I would at least have some money coming in.  Sadly it would be a whopping $426 per week and I make more than that, but at least it would be some money.  Interestingly I could survive on that and it would leave me almost $400/month for everything after bills. (Provided it is tax-free which I think it is). 

I've actually got two job interviews lined up. One is with the same company I had a first interview last week.  The other is a place I've been trying to phone screen with since last Monday. And here's where I now have a dilemma. What if I actually get one of these jobs? Do I take it? Even with the fuller than full time schooling? I feel like I would have to. I'm not sure if I can actually BE unemployed.  I already don't talk to people on a regular basis (or ever really).  If I am home all the time for unemployment... This could be bad for me. :)  But what if I get that fellowship? Then I'd be quitting in July. I would feel badly if I left a job that I just started 3 months later. But what if I don't get the fellowship and can't find a library job. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. That's about all I can do isn't it.

Finances

I almost never talk about finances because I HATE finances. I hate thinking about money. I hate dealing with money and I've often said I'd be better off if I gave my money to someone else to dole out an allowance to me. I suck at money. BUT since I'm quitting on Monday I need to figure out where to cut expenses and how I'm going to live while I finish my degree and find a new job. Long term blog readers may know that it took me almost a year after moving to Seattle to find a new job I liked and that didn't make me want to drink heavily.  I would rather not repeat that experience. So in an effort to figure out how to best handle my about to be new found unemployment, I took a look at what I spend my money on.  After bills, I'm ashamed to admit I spend a shitton of money on food. I am embarrassed at how much I eat out. It is ridiculous.  $180 in a month in eating out alone.  That's $6 a day I'm throwing away. Even worse is what I spend in groceries. (Although it may be skewed slightly because I also get my gas at Kroger and my debit card doesn't show the difference but really I put in about 30 bucks every 2 weeks so mostly it isn't gas).  I spent almost $600 in groceries last month.  I'm one person. What the hell am I buying?  And, I don't even know how much rotten food I throw out because I don't eat it.  Clearly I can cut back a lot on both of those items.  Oddly enough, I spend very little on other things.  I spent about $100 on gluten free baked goods.  That's a lot but it is also an anomaly.  I don't think I usually buy that much in a typical month.  And once I'm unemployed I won't buy that much at all. 

Next I'm going to do something I know is a very bad idea. I will pay a penalty for it which is a waste of money.  I'm going to cash out my retirement plan with the University and pay off my credit cards and my car so I'll have no debt during this period of un/under employment.  I will then call my credit card co and not cancel the card altogether but reduce the max to a very minimal amount.  My student loans won't start coming due until December/Jan and hopefully by then I'll have a real paying job in a library.  And I'll get another job but it will be primarily mindless. Contract or temp work would be ideal.  Something that will allow me to pay my bills and perhaps still eat.

Leap of Faith

For those that don't follow me on twitter or are friends with me on facebook, I'm about to embark on something insane. I've added one more class to my semester which puts me at 13 credits. And I'm going to quit my job.  This way I can be done with my degree in May instead of waiting until August.

This all came up because of a fellowship a friend sent to me.  I could qualify. Exemplary grades. An essay. A bunch of other things. BUT I have to have my MLIS by July 1.  If I had stuck with my current plan I wouldn't have it in time.  But in reality it makes sense. I'm on the fringe of being fired. I made a mistake. A huge one. My boss made a similar mistake but even huger, and I'm on the fringe of firing and she's not but whatever. This is my 2nd write up. I know she's planning on replacing me since I found the job listing "blind."  So this makes sense because I need a new job before August. And I don't want to work in benefits anymore which is what I'd have to try to get a job in if I left before I got my degree.

The leap of faith comes in since I could end up unemployed. For a long time. This terrifies me. I was unemployed for almost a year after moving to Seattle. I still feel the financial impact of that. BUT it is the only answer. I can't keep up at this job. (Well obviously since I'm on the brink of firing).  I'd rather quit than be fired so there you go.

I don't really believe in things happening for a reason or anything like that, but it seems like this whole change is the right thing.  My friend tweeted me about the job posting today. I read it and fell in love with the posting and discovered I wouldn't finish in time. I emailed my advisor about when I would finish if I took my summer class and the test then to discover I was 42 days after the cut off. So then I emailed back and asked about adding one more class and capstone this semester (since I didn't know what the graduate credit limit was).  The advisor called me right away because today was the deadline to add a class and pay for it. In a very short time she had me registered in a class and I paid and it is a done deal.

Online dating

So in an attempt to get something interesting or good or whatever in my life I've started online dating again. This is nerve wracking on a number of levels.  I don't think I translate well online. I've been trying to be more proactive than I usually am. Usually I post a profile and wait to see if anyone expresses any interest in me. They don't. Or sometimes super weirdos in other states do but that's really worse.  So this time I'm taking the initiative and contacting guys whose profiles I have thoroughly explored. I'm amazed at the number of guys who believe that both creationism and evolution should be taught in school.  I try to console myself with maybe they believe that since we're in Texas creationism is taught in school so evolution should be too, but I'm pretty sure that's not the belief.  That seems to be one of the lightning rod questions for me. I do like the fact that okcupid allows you to answer a lot of different types of questions (both publicly and privately) and use that to help match you up with someone. Although he's geographically less desirable, I've been texting with a guy who I am 99% compatible with according to their algorithms. I'll be meeting him on Friday night. We'll see.

Passion (less)

For the past several years I haven't felt excited about what I do. I'm not sure I've ever felt excited about what I do. I just happened to be good at it. Maybe I liked it for awhile. Hard to say at this point. I thought I liked it. But I do recall being uneasy about getting my CEBS certification because I feel like I would be pigeonholed by this job path. Luckily (or unluckily as the case may be), I hate what I do now so much I no longer want to do it ever again. Sadly I'm in kind of a weird place. I'm not done with my MLIS degree so getting a real library job isn't going to happen quite yet, but I have to get out of my current one. I tried to quit last week. Evil boss talked me out of it. Turns out evil boss has been looking for my replacement since January 4th (week before I "quit").  So really she just doesn't want me to quit until she has the new me in place and then she can fire my ass like she has wanted to for sometime. I have a phone and an inperson interview this week. Hopefully one of those will pan out so I can get the hell out of dodge.

I've started doing my practicum for my library school.  So far I've only been there for 4 days. I'm not thrilled that it is Sat & Sun from 1 - 5 PM because that means I have no days off. BUT until classes start so far it isn't totally killing me (yet).  Last weekend I mostly observed the desk but I did get to answer a few questions. I liked (for now maybe that'll change) helping kids find the books and materials they were looking for. This weekend I spent the weekend searching through the catalog to see if the books in these magazines that had positive reviews were purchased for the library. So far, not so much on the non-fiction.

I've never really felt like a person who believes you have to LOVE what you do or follow your bliss or whatever. Work is work. It would be nice if it isn't so awful you cry all the time and/or want to drink heavily, but I'm okay if I can find something to like about what I do and who I work with.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

It looks like the Peeved family will not be moving to Texas. Michelle & I talked about it the other day.  Peeved husband LOVES his new job and his new office and his coworkers and has been pushing to stay in CA.  They also have lots and lots of family there to help with the kiddos when necessary.  Strangely, I'm not at all sad about it. Mostly because I think this experiment in cheap, friendly, Republican living isn't really working for me.  I know the job thing is a HUGE part of the issue. If I were happier in my work I might be happier here. But there are some fundamental flaws with Texas.  Things like I HATE WIND.  They may not have written a song about the winds sweeping down Texas' plain, but it does.  I don't love 100+ degree weather. It may be a "dry" heat but it is still fucking hot and like the wilting flower I am I regularly suffer.

So what does this mean?  I don't know.  I'm going to start applying for jobs in CA and maybe a few other states. I have to finish my practicum here in TX.  (Well I don't HAVE to, but I would imagine it would be hard to change practicum mid-stream.)  I should be done with it on tax day, which is actually sooner than I originally thought.  Everything else I have to do can be done online. I can't figure out if I should just slog through the hell job for another 3 - 4 months so I can finally apply for library jobs since I'll be essentially done by May/June or find another benefits job for awhile.  If I move to CA, it will have to be another benefits job. As it is, I almost cried when I looked at the rents there. Who knows what is coming, but I'm keeping my mind open to it.

God doesn't want me to have a good New Year's Eve

I went camping this New Year's Eve. I had this whole romantical idea that I would ring in the new year under the stars.  That sort of worked out and sort of didn't.  I did enjoy eating my dinner by the lantern and then sitting by the campfire. That part was awesome.  And I had left my tent open, not put on the rain fly because I could see the stars.  You can see a lot of stars in Texas.  Then... the wind started to blow. And blow. AND BLOW.  I don't like wind.  It creeps me out. I don't like the noise. I don't like the feeling of it. I don't like wind. (I know I am now living in a plains state, what the hell was I thinking?).  So I ended up going to bed early. That was fine. At midnight there was a loud ruckus so I at least woke up to ring in the new year. But then I had to get up and put the rainfly on the tent because I was also FREEZING.  Got home around lunch time today and proceeded to take a 5 hour nap. I will post photos later. I toook a bunch! It was super pretty there.

Puppy

Today while I was driving from the grocery store, I saw a big rottweiler running in the road. I would have chased after it to at least get it out of the road, but I was in the 2nd left turn lane and in no real position to stop.  I looked for it, but couldn't find it again.  It totally reminded me of a dog we had when I was a little girl.  The dog was funny looking. She was part dachshund and part poodle. So she was low to the ground but had this crazy fur that mostly matted. She had been my sister's dog but like most of my sister's pets, she'd abandon them to us and they would become a family pet. So Mouse used to get out and we'd never notice it.  We have no idea where she'd go, maybe just around the block but we'd randomly hear scratching at the front door and she was back.  I used to joke that since we never walked her she started walking herself.  I thought about her seeing that dog running in the road and wondered if when people would see Mouse "walking herself" would they worry about her being loose and try to catch her to bring her back.