Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Ridiculousness

I'm working on a job application for a position and it requires THREE background checks. Three. One of which is an FBI clearance. Wouldn't you think the FBI would come up with issues if I were a child abuser or a meth head? (Maybe not I don't know...) But the easiest was the criminal background check for the state. (Wouldn't that also show up if I were a child abuser?) I went online and entered some info and I have a certificate indicating I have never been convicted of a crime in XYZ state. Awesome.

I didn't look at the third required check until this morning. One of the things it requires... all of my addresses since 1975 and... and here's where it gets even better... everyone I've lived with since 1975. Given that I was born in 1974, I'm 100% certain I was not a child abuser in 1975. I don't even think I could be considered a child abuser until maybe 1980 when my little sister turned 2. (I'm going to presume I didn't beat on her when she was an infant and young toddler.) And technically since I would have only been six at that point, I'm pretty sure I'm still not considered a child abuser. (Although my baby sister may beg to differ... ) So that puts me at 18. Thanks to college, I lived in a lot of different spaces for 4 years. I'm not 100% certain I can remember the addresses for each of those locations and I'm fairly certain I can't remember the apartment numbers for Anderslum and Little Beruit. I think we were #2 in the tri-plex, but the physical address of the tri-plex? No clue. Then there was the place I lived with with Brenda that had all the dogs. Can't remember anything about that place except it had a lot of dogs. (And what constitutes living? I couch surfed for about a month or two in Fairbanks does that count?) (I think in the past I've put down the PO BOX address I had all 4 years and call it good, but given the purpose of this form, that may not be the right answer).

While I'm walking down memory lane let's recall the quality places I lived in in Alaska:

Little Beruit - You could unlock the door with a butter knife. We were known as "The college girls in the back" and we went on a rent strike and THEY DIDN'T NOTICE!

The Tri-plex - Neighbors were probably drug dealers... they had A LOT of 15 minute friends. Came home one day and there was a girl sitting on the front step staring at her hand. Apparently she was like that when Michelle returned from work too... like half an hour earlier. Guy in the 'apartment' building behind ours shot his dad, in the front yard, while I was home taking a nap and I DIDN'T NOTICE!

Anderslum - All my undies and bras stolen from the laundry. Actually had to call 911 on my neighbor. Bought my own damn peephole and insisted they install it after that incident. And I had the Jehovah's Witnesses coming to my door regularly. It got so bad my friend Katie would yell "It isn't the Jehovah's Witnesses" when she would knock and I wouldn't answer.

Those were some good times. :)

3 comments:

Mishka said...

I have had to fill out a background check like that before too...when I was applying to be a police officer...pretty standard...and yes, they do expect you to know not only a mailing address but the physical address of every place you have lived...telephone numbers too in some cases (even if they are valid anymore). In this new age, I am surprised we don't have to provide previous email addresses too...haha.

I had all my underwear and bras stolen from a dryer in our apt complex when we first were married. I reported it to the manager and the police (because they were already there on another matter). I had a hard time convincing either of the two men that a woman didn't steal them. I had to make them understand that another woman would NEVER take a girls used underwear...no matter how desperate she was.

Good luck with your app.

Joanne said...

Mishka, I had to convince my mother that no poor woman would steal only that out of the dryer. There were t-shirts and socks. The person had to go through my stuff and they were seriously thorough since they got all the undies and bras. When I reported it to the apt manager, SHE said, "Are you sure you didn't just drop them?" I was kind of flabbergasted. And it was on the first day I lived there.

Peeved Michelle said...

You left out the fact that the tri-plex was on Crackhouse Row where all the other houses had Rottweilers in their yards. Later, after we moved out, a house a couple doors down was the scene of the biggest drug bust in state history at the time.