Puppy

Today while I was driving from the grocery store, I saw a big rottweiler running in the road. I would have chased after it to at least get it out of the road, but I was in the 2nd left turn lane and in no real position to stop.  I looked for it, but couldn't find it again.  It totally reminded me of a dog we had when I was a little girl.  The dog was funny looking. She was part dachshund and part poodle. So she was low to the ground but had this crazy fur that mostly matted. She had been my sister's dog but like most of my sister's pets, she'd abandon them to us and they would become a family pet. So Mouse used to get out and we'd never notice it.  We have no idea where she'd go, maybe just around the block but we'd randomly hear scratching at the front door and she was back.  I used to joke that since we never walked her she started walking herself.  I thought about her seeing that dog running in the road and wondered if when people would see Mouse "walking herself" would they worry about her being loose and try to catch her to bring her back.

Epiphany

Six years ago, my mother and I had a screaming match in the front yard of their house. The gist of it was that I was no longer going to tolerate her irrational anger. I grew up walking on eggshells not knowing if she was going to get pissed off at something or not, not knowing what kind of mood she was going to be in. While I spent most of today agonizing over the wrath of my boss come Tuesday over something I had payroll do I realized something... If I'm not willing to put up with it in my mother why in the hell am I putting up with it in my boss?  That's one of my biggest issues with her. She gets irrationally angry about stupid stuff. I am not putting up with it anymore. I may end up quitting before I have a new job lined up, but I can't do it anymore. Worse comes to worst, I pull my 401K out. That's really bad, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I can be a 90 year old librarian. :)
My second epiphany of today was what my boss was irrationally angry about. I asked payroll to do a refund of benefits for someone today. She flipped out because of the tax implications since the refund will count as part of the first payroll of 2012 and the deduction was taken out in 2011. "As the benefits manager I should think of these things..." After I thought about it more I realized if the PAYROLL manager didn't care why the hell was she freaking out? Since the PAYROLL manager has no issue, she's got no place to be pissed off.

Before I quit in a fit of wrath, I may try to talk to the new CEO.  The CFO couldn't rein her in maybe the new CEO can. My entire department hates her. The payroll manager is on the verge of quitting due to her. Before I started at least 3 other people quit due to her. And let's not forget the African American woman she fired. After only giving her less than 1 week to improve on her "improvement plan."

Goals for 2012

Anyone who has read this before knows I don't make resolutions. I make goals. Things I'd like to do better at.

Meal Planning.  I make this goal periodically.  Usually after I realize how much take out I'm eating. I eat a lot of take out. Too much take out. I'm pretty good about setting up food for the week for lunches but somehow not dinners.

Keep my 4.0 GPA in grad school.  With under grad I never had a chance. Well maybe I had a chance, but since I took Speech the first semester of my first year I never really had a chance. Somehow now, though, I've got one. Three semesters in and I have a 4.0.  I have 3 classes in the spring and one in the summer. I know in reality it doesn't mean anything really, but now that I'm almost there I want it.

I would add find a new job but that was a goal for 2011 and didn't pan out.  That's kind of always an ongoing goal. Without babbling too much about something that hasn't changed, I hate my job. I want a new job. Maybe once I have my MLIS I can get the new job easier. I hope. The thought of being at the current job for another year makes me want to cry. A LOT. Although there is a glimmer of hope (which keeps getting pushed back) in that we're merging with another company. I keep hoping evil boss will be let go to keep the hr person from the new company.

Better living through chemistry

I started back on anti-depressants just over a week ago. I knew the signs long before I started back on them. I didn't want to do anything. I felt so anxious.  In reality I probably should never have went off them. I ended up off them over a year ago because I forgot to take them for about a week and realized I felt fine. And I did. And I had been feeling pretty good for awhile. But as these things go I've been frustrated with my job and my life. I felt anxious all the time (due to my job). And even though I've been job hunting (for over a year wahoo) to find a new job, nothing has come about. So I'm back on the Prozac (generic) train. This morning you wouldn't have known I was on them. I was so anxious. I drove the whole way to work just imagining gloom and doom. I was positive today was going to be a really crappy day. Luckily I was totally wrong and it was fine. By this evening I was actually feeling a little more light hearted (of course that could partially be because today is Friday and I don't have to go back to that hell until Monday).  I know they take a little time to work. I can tell they've been doing something because I have had the most intense hot flashes. Christ if this is what menopause is going to be like I refuse to do it.  Luckily those have calmed down now.

I used to be really good at counting my blessings.  Well I never called it that, but that's the gist of it. Thinking positively and considering all the good things that are going on in my life.  I know I'll be able to do it again and I know I'll get back to volunteering again. And I'm glad to be in grad school, even though I'm terrified I won't be able to make a decent enough living at being a librarian. (Although I'm now considering looking into being a corporate librarian. I think that would be interesting for awhile.) I know I'm on the path to good things.  It is just hard to see that sometimes.

Why I'm Over the Pink

There was a secret up on Postsecret recently about resenting breast cancer awareness because of the number of children diagnosed with cancer and how underfunded and unaware people are of it. Steve Jobs died this week of Pancreatic Cancer. A cancer which killed Patrick Swayze and Michelle's father. According to the AP, only 20% survive the first year post diagnosis and by 5 years only 4%.  There's not a lot the physician's can do for it. And yet, you rarely hear about pancreatic cancer.

According to Cancer.gov, the most common cancer is prostate cancer.  Did anyone know that?  They estimate that there will be 221,130 new cases of lung cancer and 156,940 estimated deaths from lung cancer. Yes breast cancer is the 2nd most frequent cancer around. (More estimated new cases than lung), but only an estimated 39000 people will die from it. I won't say that breast cancer isn't significant, obviously it is. But with cancers that are a guaranteed death sentence, maybe we should start funneling some of that pink money along to other cancers.

New TV!

I think it is no secret that I love television. I grew up on it. I get super excited when September rolls around and new shows are announced and favorites come back.  Last week was the pinnacle of the new season. (Is that right? I think I'm using that correctly).  Many things I love are back and some new things I'm still on the fence about have started and one thing I'm totally in love with (so much so that I watched the premiere twice in the same week when usually I don't rewatch a show that quickly). 

Returning:
Parks & Recreation.  I don't know if I've posted here about my love of this show.  I love the character of Leslie Knope. I want to BE Leslie Knope. I don't know that I have ever felt as passionate and inspired and excited about my job as she is.  She's fearless in her pursuit of greatness for her Parks Department and I just find her so amazing.  I also wish I could be as positive as she is and as able to compliment people the way she does. She is probably my favorite character on TV right now and I will be super sad when the show gets cancelled. (At some point way way way in the future).

Sons of Anarchy: It seems odd that I like this show.  It seems like a show I wouldn't like.  But I weirdly love it.  It's violent. It's brutal.  It does feature some very attractive eye candy so that helps with the brutality part.  This season they're getting in deep with some even worse dudes than usual so it could be interesting.  Last season I kept watching because they were in "Ireland" and the accents alone kept me going.

Raising Hope: Another show I love. The family is so caring of each other and funny.  And they're trying so hard to do things right for the baby that was thrust upon them.  They really care about each other and I think that isn't always the feeling you get with television shows. Plus they've got the cutest baby on television bar none. 

New Shows

The New Girl: Michelle liked this show. I'm on the fence. I liked the boys on the show but find Zooey whateverherlastnameis to be too much. It was like she was trying too hard.  But it is on between Glee and Raising Hope and I watch both of those so I'll end up watching it until it gets cancelled.

Two Broke Girls: Freaking hysterical. I thought it was sharp and well written. It may have been a little over the top in terms of innuendo, but that's okay. I do find that I'm completely distracted by Max's boobs in her uniform. They're massive.

Revenge: By far the best show I've seen in a long time. It was so well thought out. I am sucked in and completely excited to watch next week!  Emily Van Camp has such a girl next door vibe (probably due to Everwood) that you can't believe she's plotting against these Hamptonites. It is delicious and I don't use that word lightly. I hope it goes on for a long time, BUT has an end in place so it doesn't drag on forever and ever.  I've already watched the pilot twice.

Alone vs Not Alone

Since I live alone and hang out by myself a lot, I have a weird set of rules about what I feel is acceptable for me to do alone versus what says pathetic to me.  I was thinking about that as I was driving home today.  I thought about going to Oklahoma to go to a casino over the weekend. (Although in general I find going to casinos to be an odd activity unless I'm actually in Vegas or Atlantic City), but I feel like that's an activity that is pathetic to do alone. So here are the rules of going places alone as defined by me:

Eating out - Fine depending on the quality of the restaurant.  Dennys - no problem.  Ruths Chris steak house or fancier - weird.
Movies - Fine alone
Theater - Depends. Musicals are okay but like the symphony no. (No logic there).
Drinking in a bar - Not so much alone. I think that's sad.
Attend a sporting event - iffy. I think they're more fun when you're there with other people. But I've done it alone and it wasn't a big deal.
Going to a casino - Since I already think going to the Indian casinos are a little bit sad, I think going alone is super sad.

A Regular Employee

As I was driving home from picking up my latest textbooks from UNT I realized that with my next career I'm just going to be a regular employee.  No more will I have the inside information I'm usually privvy to in my role in HR.  It's an interesting concept.  Of my 15 years working since I left college, 12 of them have been in Human Resources.  My next job will likely be the last one before I give up HR altogether and become a librarian.  When you work in HR, you know things.  Always.  I interact with all levels of the company and since I do benefits and leaves of absence I KNOW things.  What I currently do impacts the company and the employees as a whole. When I'm a regular employee I won't have that anymore. And in all honesty, I'm looking forward to that. 

BlogHer - The good, the bad and the hmm...

I've been to BlogHer twice as an attendee and once as just a groupie hanging out and trying to crash parties. (I'd never been to Chicago, BlogHer provided me a way to hang out with my pals and visit ChiTown).
This year BlogHer was in San Diego.  Since it has been over 100 degrees here forevfuckingever that was the nicest thing possible.  When I landed in San Diego and stepped out at the airport I felt a wave of nostalgia. The air smelled like the ocean. (Not that Camarillo smelled like the ocean but it was very close to the ocean).  It made me miss California.  And Seattle. And anyplace that isn't Texas, but that's another story. 

I really liked hanging out with Michelle, Katey, Laura, Amy, Leslie and Karla.  It is good to hang out with people, some of whom I know and some of whom were new to me.  I really liked the food they served.  I was thrilled with clearly labelled gluten-free options.  It was AWESOME.  I liked the swag.  It is not hard to like swag. :) I liked the parties.  I like parties.  I liked the session I attended. Sadly I only attended one.

There wasn't anything really bad about the trip. I feel like the hotel is kind of pricey and since they didn't do room drops this year, I would have been okay going to a cheaper hotel. (Michelle probably wouldn't have been though).  I didn't like how spread out things were which required what felt like a long walk.  I wish there had been more sessions I was interested in, but I know they can't please everyone.  The ONE session I was interested in, I didn't make it to because I had to finish homework for my class.  (which I got a 12.5 out of 12.5 on by the way). 

The Hmm... The real hmm is do I go back?  Next year it is New York City again.  I feel like NYC was much more expensive than Chicago and San Diego.  I don't think the hotel was only $199/night.  And I'm just not sure.  I'm not sure what I get out of it besides free stuff (which if you add up hotel, airfare etc isn't actually free per se) and hanging out with my friends.  Now, it'll cost to have a girls weekend anyway and with BlogHer at least I get breakfast and lunch paid for as part of my ticket. :)  (as well as parties and drinking in the evening).  So far in two years I think I've attended MAYBE 3 sessions (I think only 2 actually and one Michelle was on the panel and the other I just went with Michelle).  I know if I don't go, I'll feel left out since many of the girls are going again next year. And I can go and hang with Katey who doesn't go to the sessions either.  We could do touristy things. (if she goes I think she's on the fence too).  I dunno. I can't think that far ahead.

Moralistic Stance

One of my few moralistic stances relates to cheating.  I have no issue with couples who want to be in an open relationship or poly (and no interest in that myself), but if only one person is in an open relationship while the other doesn't know anything about it, that's cheating. (Obviously). 

While watching The Piano for class tonight I realized it is the selfishness I have a horrible time with.  I know, somehow, we were supposed to feel for Holly Hunter's character.  In fact, the reason I was watching had to do with the Blackbeard Folk story and the husband represents Blackbeard, but the whole time I was watching the movie I thought about how awful she was to him.  I'm not saying she deserved to have her finger cut off by an axe, that was horrific. But seriously, he didn't seem like a bad guy.  The husband didn't do anything wrong (well, you know until he snaps and cuts her finger off with an axe, but PRIOR to that).  I couldn't feel any empathy for her.  I couldn't feel any empathy for Diane Lane in Unfaithful.  I could never feel any empathy for Carrie when she cheated on Aiden.  I couldn't feel any empathy for the gay cowboys even.    This is also the reason I've never read (nor watched) bridges of Madison County or the Horse Whisperer.  I started the Horse Whisperer thinking it was a story about rebuilding the horse and child's life and got annoyed... skipped to the end and put the book down never to read it again.

Validation

One of the things I've frequently said about illegal immigration is that as a lunatic flaming liberal the way I am, amnesty is not the right answer for illegal immigrants. It still supports the corrupt system that brings the people here illegally and puts their lives in danger. I believe we have to support Mexico (and other Latin American countries) in improving their infrastructure and their education so that the people aren't forced to leave out of desperation.  I don't believe that for the most part the illegals who come into this country do so lightly. They abandon their homes and everything they know and pay coyotes lots of money to usually work slave wages and live in fear that they will be sent back to Mexico.  If there were options for them in Mexico they wouldn't come.  Today I saw a New York Times article that agrees with me! The "waves" of illegal immigrants is actually on the decline and Mexico (and the citizens quoted in the article) credit this partially to the improvement of their lives and opportunities in Mexico.  Usually I don't link to articles because the link will eventually die and I hate dead links but here's the article.  Two quotes from the article:

Antonio said the risks hit home when his nephew Alejandro disappeared in the Sonoran Desert around 2002. A father of one and with a pregnant wife, Alejandro had been promised work by a friend. It took years for the authorities to find his body in the arid brush south of Tucson. Even now, no one knows how he died.

“They’re identifying more with Mexico,” said Agustín Martínez González, a teacher. “With more education, they’re more likely to accept reality here and try to make it better.” 

Trying Out New Things

I bought new deodorant this weekend - a whole new brand.  I've used Degree for like 10+ years, but somehow it seems like it is leaving a film that is really hard to wash off when I shower. I'm trying to find one that doesn't leave that film. (I only use antiperspirant/deodorant which I know is different than deodorant only, but I don't like the wet feeling if I don't use antiperspirant).  I bought Dove and Lady Speed Stick. I'm hoping one of these two works out.   Otherwise I don't know what else to get. I have a weird aversion to Secret. And I don't buy Suave anything.
The other thing I bought this weekend is something that I LOVE, which means It is either discontinued or about to be discontinued. I found ziploc freezer bags that have a little way for me to suck the air out of them so they are totally sealed (looking at Ziploc's website I see that they are called vacuum bags).  I do not know why I have such a terrible time with freezer burn (Ok.  It is because I buy meat on sale and in large quantities and as a single person I just don't eat that much and I tend to not be so good about getting all the air out of the bag apparently), but I get a lot of freezer burn and I hate it.  So far these seem to work awesomely. I'm tempted to remove from the freezer all the other meat that is in regular bags and re seal them in these vacuum bags.

Make it work

I interviewed for yet another job on Thursday.  I don't have a good feeling from the manager that I'm going to get offered it.  Just a feeling.  So I'm going to stop looking for awhile.  If you count from when I was in Seattle I've been job hunting for over 2 years now.  Admittedly there've been a few breaks in time then, but I've been applying and interviewing for a long time.  I'm just sick of it.  I'm sick of the searching and the process.  I'm sick of lying to take off time to interview. Now I just need to figure out how to tolerate my current situation.  The tension lately is palpable.  Boss was doing better and less of a bitch for a little while, but is back to full bore bitch.  It is exhausting. I am documenting everything though.  Anytime she is, what I consider, out of line I write it down.  Maybe that'll help us in the future.  I don't even know.  The other thing that scares me is the thought of getting this library degree and then never being able to use it since the salary will be so much lower than I currently earn. 

Screwed Up Pets

I took Sam to a new vet this morning.  The old vet has not been able to figure out what was wrong with Sam's ears and we've been treating him with diet for 3 months now with no change. So I figured I'd get a 2nd opinion.  She confirmed that Sam is sixish and not the 18 months I was quoted nor the 3 years I just noticed today that's on his vaccination certificate.  Poor boy with the mysterious life.  Anyway, I like this cat.  He's fine as a pet. (ish he is a biter).  BUT I'm not thrilled with the prospect of him being on this fancy hypoallergenic food until he dies.  That shit is $50 a bag! And it makes me wonder how it is I get the screwed up pets.  What is it about me that says "sucker!" (I don't know that I want that answered because I have that same question about me and supershitty bosses.)

In the course of my pets as an adult (4 ferrets 1 cat) ALL 4 ferrets required adrenal shots because they got adrenal disease.  This was somewhere between a $35 - $40 shot/month.  Not counting the cost to get the flexcar since I was in Seattle with no car.  Sam requires fancy cat food.  Honestly I just want one healthy not crazy pet.

Shoes

Again I find myself needing new shoes. The problem I have is threefold. 1. I have fat feet and value comfort over cute, which means I usually buy relatively bland shoes. 2. I have a large heel spur on my right heel. Which impacts size of shoes and ability of shoes like slingbacks since they don't stay up on the back of my foot. 3. I'm cheap about the wrong things. I am ok with paying more for some shoes, but if I figure I won't wear them often or more than a year I don't see the point in paying a lot for them.  I seem to have missed out on the shoe shopping gene.

2nd Semester - A whole lot shorter!

I'm now in my 2nd semester of library school.  This semester I took three more classes but the way summer sessions work I'm actually only taking 2 classes at a time.  I have 1 class that takes 10 weeks and then 2 classes that are 5 weeks each - back to back.  However, the weirdness is that one of my classes is actually for only 3 weeks, so I'll be done with my comic book class by Sunday night at midnight.  The nice part about my story telling class (10 weeks) is that apparently summer means "no bigass research project."  Wahoo.  I do have to do 3 story performances - one of which is already done.  For performance #2 I have to do 1 story and performance #3 I have to do 2 stories that are somehow connected and one is only 2 minutes and the other is like 4 or 5 minutes I think.  My 3rd class is a public libraries class.  It will definitely not be as fun or creative as my other two classes this semester.  I'm finding my comic book and graphic novels class to be interesting.  Definitely glad I took it.  It has opened my eyes to some books I might not otherwise have read. In the fall I'll be taking a youth literature class that should be great as well.

Because I'm pissy

I'm going to slam on Netflix and search engines. (And maybe blogger for continuing to add a random space at the top of this post even though I keep deleting it!)

So I have netflix and one of the reasons I wanted an xbox was so that I could watch movies instantly through netflix.  This would be fine and dandy (and to be fair I've watched a lot of tv shows via netflix which I enjoy) except the movies that are released don't get to "watch instantly status for fucking ever.  Black Swan, released in March - not on Watch Instantly.  Love and Other Drugs - released March 1, not on Watch Instantly yet. Takers - released in January is being advertised as a "new Arrival." (I have no interest in Takers, I'm making a point)   Are you freaking kidding me?  I can walk up to Redbox and get I am Number 4 (which i want to see) and get it tonight (except that means putting on clothes and driving to the store see how lazy trumps self righteous indignation).  AND they've changed their policy so that I can't even click on get the disk (to get it mailed to me) because they're trying to force us to use the "watch instantly" feature.  I would if they had what I wanted to watch dammit!

Unrelated to Netflix, when I play my exercise game on xbox it just shows me as my shape but in red (heat sensor actually) and it cracked me up when the cat walked around my legs, as he is wont to do when I don't want him there, and the scanner picked up his shape.

What else was I going to be pissy about... oh I typed in www.blogger.com into my toolbar.  This is a legitimate site that I've used a number of times (obviously) and yet somehow yahoo search decided I did something wrong and it came up as a search result.  That also annoyed me.

Oh back on netflix... I hate how 99% of their "New arrivals: Movies" are not new arrivals at all.  Well MAYBE they are movies that are newly released (and obviously not NEWLY released since one of their "new arrivals" is from January) on DVD.  I want a list of real new releases not stupid shit like white chicks and dane cook and a bunch of movies nobody has ever heard of.  This forces me to go to another website to see if I can actually find a list of new releases (strangely difficult actually thanks to televisionwithoutpity I can actually find a list because each week they do a blog about what's new on DVD) and then search for whatever movie I want to see.  They're just pissing me off tonight.

Introvert is not a 4 letter word

I got turned down for a job today.  One that I think I actually wanted. It had a lot of potential to be interesting and different than what I do since it had generalist roles incorporated into the benefits roles. The few people I met seemed super nice.  The company is in the process of "turning HR around" from being unapproachable and mean to open and fun. They said all the right things and I thought, well I didn't necessarily think I said all the right things but one of my interview failings is that I don't try to hide who I really am.  I answer the questions asked essentially the same way I would answer them if Michelle were asking me the question.  Well according to the recruiter I was working with I knocked it out of the park. I reassured her on the 401(k) stuff. I answered everything right... until.  When asked the question "how do you unwind or destress" I said something to the effect of "I go home and veg out mostly. Working in HR you have to be "on" all the time and since I'm essentially an introvert I like to spend my after work time relaxing and being quiet."  Something like that.  Apparently they don't want an "introvert."  Keep in mind, I've charmed 4 people in the interview until this point so clearly I have social skills and the ability to talk to people.  I even mentioned that working in HR for the past 11 years, I know what it takes but during my down time I like it to be just me.  I'd feel sad about the loss of this job since I think I did want it, but I find myself so annoyed by this "no introverts" attitude that I'm fine with it.  I am seriously sick of job hunting though. I may have to take a little break.  

Only in Texas

I went on a job interview on Friday and I desperately wanted to take a picture of the bookshelf of one of the men I interviewed with.  On his bookshelf were The Holy Bible, History of God and a book about (or by) George Bush (but I can't recall if it was sr or junior).  It totally made me laugh inside.  The job is different than what I do now.  It would be what I do but also generalist role including employee relations which I'm not that excited about but this would open up my skills and career. (which I know I'm totally changing careers but until a library job opens up that I can find I can still work in HR.)  It is a very small company which would be interesting.  However several people used the phrase "work hard/play hard" which I find cliched and annoying.

I should check mail more often

Tuesday I finally checked my mail.  I usually don't check it often because it is far to the mailboxes and there's nothing I want anyway, usually trash.  But the bag for the letter carrier's food drive was in my box and you may or may not remember that I love to volunteer for and contribute to the letter carrier's food drive.  So I went back to my apartment and found a bunch of canned food and put it in a bag by the door. And then I sat on the sofa.  And then I went to work the next day and while I was at work I thought some more and when I got home I checked the date on the little flyer.  The letter carrier's food drive was LAST weekend.  Oops.

F is for Fun

And that is my goal for the weekend.  I have spent almost every weekend since January working on homework.  Even when I got to go on the "girls weekend" in Austin back in February, I spent at least part of it doing homework. Homework. Homework. HOMEWORK. The word starts to lose all meaning after awhile.  AND I'll be starting up again soon. Sigh.  (Not sigh. I chose this and want this so I am glad to do it).  I'm also wicked stressed from the stupid job I hate so it will be nice to hopefully lose myself in activities this weekend.

Activities for this weekend:
1 - I randomly went and saw Sucker Punch at the dollar theater.  I was driving by on my way home and on a whim pulled in to see what was playing right then.  Sucker Punch, I had wanted to see before, was playing at the right time so that worked out. Not bad for $1.25.  Not sure how I'd feel about it if I paid $7.50 or more.

2 - I am going to 6 Flags on Saturday.  I got another season pass since I think Stephan and I are going when they come in July and I think my sister and I are going to Six Flags in San Antonio Memorial Day.

3 - I want to spend my Kohl's cash this weekend and get a new pair of shoes.  Or a new pair of work pants.

4 - Oh. I'm going to the rodeo Saturday night.  I peeved about how ridiculously difficult it was to buy a ticket online, but I succeeded with the last card I have.  I am hoping that I have fun at it.

5 - I am thinking of de-cluttering my flat surfaces.  My kitchen table has become the recepticle of all things I don't know what to do with.  That's not really fun, but it would make me happy to be done with that.  And I would have a place to spread out arts & crap supplies.

Yesterday evening

I was having one of those days yesterday, you know the ones... what if every decision I've made since [insert xyz time frame here, but in my case it was leaving California in 2002] was the wrong one?  I'm over it now.  It's amazing what sunshine and cool but gorgeous weather will do for a person.  I also have to keep telling myself that had I not left CA I wouldn't be embarking on a whole new career change.  I would just keep working in HR and letting this new potential career die altogether.  I wouldn't hate my job so much that it has convinced me to not do it anymore.  I know that seems drastic - just because I hate my current job doesn't mean I have to give up the whole career - but I think the job just forced into focus what I couldn't or didn't see.  I don't like where HR is going. It is becoming more and more about the bottom line than about the people I serve.  I'm sure it is necessary but I don't want to be part of it. 

I'm going hiking today. I'm very excited about that.  I think that since I've been going to school, I've not been on a Sunday adventure in a long time.  Although this is a Saturday Adventure. They are having a hike to see the blue bonnets at the Fort Worth Nature Center where I typically go hiking.  I should probably pull my water pack out of storage.

Hopefully this is right...

My horoscope for today: Earthquakes can't be predicted, and they can change an entire landscape in seconds. Get ready for your own personal earthquake to strike soon. The shift itself may be a bit scary, but the aftermath will create a world with a lot more opportunity for you. Some barriers will fall and enable you to see a much clearer path. The shifting is quietly happening right now, and you may get a hint or two about what's in store for you when some little changes happen.


I'm a little troubled by the parallel to earthquakes and hope to goodness that this was written before today's repeat earthquake in Japan. I'm hoping it happens, though. I need something to happen soon. (that's hopefully good).

Is this grad school?

This is my first go around with grad school. I don't know what it should or shouldn't be.  I was talking to a couple of classmates on Wednesday about our class.  They both hate it.  They think the prof gives too much busy work. I can see their point.  We have to do 4 article summaries every week and an info hunt (we have to search for information using whatever method prescribed by the prof) each week.  Everything is worth a lot of points so if you don't do well on one thing it won't irreparably damage your grade.  This is, honestly, my favorite class right now.  I am fine with busy work and I like that there's a lot of points on the table so that if I screw something up (like I may or may not have done in one of my other classes) it isn't going to completely decimate my grade. (Ok to be fair, in my other class it was just a B grade on a paper.) Since this is my first time in grad school, I have no idea if this class is normal (I'm getting the impression it isn't) or not.  I can't be the only one who appreciates a lot of opportunity to do well, can I?

Dream wedding

I was thinking today about if I ever got married how fun it would be to get married on April fool's day.  If I did that, I think everyone should have to wear top hats. All the guests that is. I think I'd use a copy of The Fool tarot card for place cards.  And I think it would be just tea and cakes. (Gluten free cakes of course).  I don't like tea though so I'm not sure what I would drink. And there'd be dancing. I don't really dance but I think there should always be dancing at weddings. But no rap music. I don't like rap music. Oh and it will be outside. In a garden. With blooming flowers (hopefully but if not that's okay). Now to find the man. :)  

Only Prank I'll Ever Do

Once upon a time I played an April Fool's Prank. I am not usually successful at these. I am uncomfortable with them. I'm not that creative about them. However THIS prank was the best prank ever. :) And it is the 6th anniversary.

Rays attacking me!

I blame a recent Amazing Race episode for the dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was swimming in a giant aquarium and sometimes on land.  At first the manta ray was just gliding peacefully around the bottom of the tank and there were sharks too. (Seriously, this was a challenge on The Amazing Race which looked kick ass) but then I floundered around a bit and caught the ray's attention and it decided to attack me.  It could change its size at will. AND It could fly out in the sky so it didn't matter that I kept getting out of the water. Here's the really interesting part to me according to dreammoods.com.

Manta Ray: To dream that you or someone is attacked by a school of manta rays, indicates that emotions that have been suppressed into your unconscious are becoming too overwhelming to keep inside any longer.

That's not at all disturbing.

Homesick

Sometimes I get 'homesick' for Seattle.  Since Michelle has been in Texas twice in the last two months, it has reminded me of, among other things, I have no friends here yet.  And while, in general, I'm not the friendliest of people, I do sometimes get lonely for company that isn't just me and the cat.  I was playing on the Kinect on Sunday and I couldn't help but think how much more fun it would have been if I were playing with someone.  (Or maybe not since I was making a fool of myself running in place and jumping.)  I haven't found good Indian food here yet.  Or good Thai. Or good gluten-free pizza. I hate my job. I honestly feel like I'm floundering sometimes and I dream of going back to Seattle.  But the job I had there is no more, and even if it was there I don't think I want to work for that boss or that other boss any longer. It would be nice to have my friends here.  I miss Seattle's electricity. it was way cheaper there.

The good things about here:  Closer to my sister. Swimming pool at my apartment. Cheaper rent. Own a car. Have a cat. (I could have done that in seattle I know). Six flags. lower cost of everything except electricity. HUGE apartment.  HUGE BEAUTIFUL apartment. Cheaper than Seattle's was. Housekeeper, dishwasher, washer/dryer in unit. Seriously, people, those are beautiful things.

Unrelated to all this mumbling about being home sick, I have to find ways to cut expenses.  I think after Sunday night's Big Love I'm cutting fancy cable. There's nothing ever on it I want to watch. It is pointless. I have netflix and a blockbuster card. I'll get it back when True Blood returns in the summer. :)

Hedging my luck

I bought 4 lottery tickets tonight.  Two for Lotto and two for Megamillions. My fingers are crossed. (I know I know I know) In order to encourage my luck, I used my last dollar to buy an MDA shamrock. That's good deed right? So that means I should win right?

One of the harder things about moving to a new place (besides having to make new friends, don't even ask me about that at all) is finding new products and brands. I have lived on the west coast for so long the only brand of cheese I like is tilamook.  I love tilamook cheese.  It is very very difficult to find it here for some reason.  (You know not being on the west coast and all that).  However I've found something that makes me just as happy (or maybe happier)... Cabot cheese is available here! I first had Cabot cheese in Vermont visiting Katie girl (Hi Katiegirl!).  I do love me some Cabot cheese and even better it is "president's choice" (the generic Kroger brand). Yay! That's a happy thing to find.

I know you have opinions.

For my birthday my mom is sending me money for a new bed. I may be going to my nemesis, who didn't hire me, big discount department store.  Here are the ones I've found so far that I've liked.

 Found at overstock.com.  I would have looked at more of theirs online but their website started downloading a virus so I had to close the window.

 I THINK this is my favorite one. Although I'd really like to see it in person so that I can feel the texture of the bed. Can be bought at nemesis didn't hire me store.

 Also found at nemesis didn't hire me store.  I like the metal/wood combo.

 I like how it is curvy like a spider web or a giant dream catcher. (Also from nemesis store)

I like the simple straight forwardness of this one.

Current furniture in the bedroom are a white bookshelf, a white dresser with black knobs and a white desk and 1 wooden bookshelf cherry color.  I love the white dresser so I probably won't change that anytime soon. 

WWJD

What would Joanne do? :)

We had a conversation in class the other night about ethics and information professionals. The prof said that there is some indication that Timothy McVeigh (OKC Bombing) consulted a librarian about bomb building.  She asked would we give that out.  I was the only one in class to say no. And my statement was more along the lines of I couldn't live with myself if I found out information I gave out had caused the deaths of people in that fashion.  A couple people went down the "slippery slope" route... if you don't give out "how to make a bomb" where does it stop.  We shouldn't judge what people would like to know. Blah blah blah. The ALA believes that we should provide information without judging the information being requested but there's one guy we read about who agrees with my way of thinking. You have to consider society. Someone else pointed out (or maybe it was slippery slope girl) that it would be like pharmacists refusing to give out the morning after pill.  I quickly pointed out that a - pharmacists have a binding professional oath as opposed to librarians who have a voluntary oath and b - many many places have upheld that pharmacists can refuse to provide the morning after pill. (And physician's don't all have to provide abortions if they do not choose to.) Anyway, apparently I'm a dissenter in my class.

Stupid Human Tricks

I was speaking to a coworker the other day about something I had seen on my boss's desk. She asked me if I was in there snooping around and I said no, she was babbling at me and I read it upside down on her desk.  She seemed surprised I could completely and totally read upside down. I had never thought about it. I've been able to do it as long as I can remember.  She challenged me and I totally read her job ad upside down.  I think it may be related to my left handedness. Is this a weird skill?

I have almost twice as many tweets as I do blog posts

But that's totally not what this post is about. :)

Weekly I go and volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter.  I work with the kiddos while their moms are in counseling.  (By work with I mean baby sit, not anything exact or psychological or anything like that). (But that's not what this post is about either) (Although recently there was a little girl there who had the most startling eyes.  One was brown, deep brown so dark you could barely see the iris and the other was this brilliant cobalt blue. It was striking and if/when her unibrow gets controlled I'm sure she'll be stunning (she's only little right now). 

Anyway, every time I go and come back I drive past this church that is called Hope.  I like the name of that. Every time I drive past on the way home I think, hmm... I wonder if the doors are open in the evening (well night really).  I can't figure out what kind of church it is. I think I just like the name Hope. It makes me think about joining.  Seriously, Texas is sucking me in. Or maybe just the reality that I'm not happy with several aspects of my life and maybe something like an organized community group to join would help. When I was in Alaska I used to ask my churchgoing friends why they believed in god. Some didn't know how to respond.  Several indicated that that's what their parents did so that's what they did. My favorite answer was from my roommate of the time (not Kate) who said it just made her feel better and more centered. I would like to feel more centered. Yoga just doesn't do it for me. My mind wanders. I feel stupid and uncoordinated and especially fat. Meditation makes me antsy. (Again my mind wanders and it makes me twitchy). Now that I'm in school, homework is taking over my weekends. I'm looking for something. I just don't know where to find it.

Things to say

This morning while I was hanging out waiting to get dressed to go on my interview, my neighbor came by to let me know that she thought Sam had escaped.  She had seen him on her fence.  It wasn't Sam. It was Sam's twin. He is a stray that the apartment people have tried ot have animal control catch but haven't been able to. They seem fascinated with each other.  Sam, who already loves to sit on the balcony, will stare at the other cat for hours. Apparently the other cat is also interested in being Sam's friend if he was on the balcony trying to come up to visit. Weird.

I need a pair of some heeled boots/shoes that are black.  My suit pants are too long and usually I wear a pair of peep-toe pumps with them but it is 17 degrees and slushy outside and that just wasn't going to work.  So I wore my suit with my black Doc Martens which means my pants dragged on the slushy ground like I'm some sort of teenager. Time to go to the Dry Cleaners.

I went on a job interview and had a talk with a recruiter at an agency today.  The recruiter has 2 positions open.  One I'm not interested in at all since it is for another health care group and I'm not having it again.  The other, she says, is for a place that she has heard good things about from the other people who have been placed there.  The downer for that one... salary lower than what I earn now.  Now, to be fair I pay a lot for benefits so if their benefits are better/more covered that might be okay.  The problem is, I can't really find a lot of time to interview for a lot of jobs.  Don't even get me started on my boss and time issues.  The other place was a manufacturer of heating & cooling units. I interviewed with the recruiter, the person who would be my boss and I was supposed to interview with the person who has the position now and one other person, but they had left early. That reassured me since I think I don't believe in not meeting the rest of the team for a job. We'll see. I think I might like it there.  Their hand outs are certainly impressive. :)  If this one doesn't work out I may take a little break. Stock up some more time so that I have time to interview. :)

Unintended Consequences

With the loss of almost 20 lbs and getting down below weight "y", two things have occurred that have unsettled me.  (Both of which are probably TMI so you're forewarned)

1. My periods have returned.  I've had more periods in the last 3 months than I have in the last year.  I know it is better for me.  I know this is probably a good thing, but I don't have to like it.  I mean really, two periods a year is a pretty good thing. It is also weird to me since I haven't had regular ones since I lived in California.  That was a LONG time ago (I moved in 2002) and I'm pretty sure I haven't been over weight "y" that entire time.

2. If my measurements are correct (which they might not be I'm kind of dumb about that) I've only lost 1 inch in my waist and like 1 inch in my chest and yet like 4 - 5 inches in my b00bs.  This is a problem because while my hair is still in an annoying stage, my chest is pretty much the only thing I like on my body.  (Yes I recognize that's bad.)

It is almost enough to make me gain it back. ALMOST. :)  But since I want to sky dive and scuba dive I'll keep going, even though this past week's food consumption has not supported that view. (I gained 1/2 a lb when I weighed myself the other day, but I can probably chalk that up to period since it started the next day).

Sometimes I hate People

The grocery store is one of those places where you really realize how stupid/annoying/whatever people can be. First I went to wal-mart because I think some of the staples (tp and cat litter) are going to be cheaper there than elsewhere.  Now I admit I'm an idiot for going to Wal-Mart at 11:30 on a Saturday. In that respect I deserve what I get.  Even though in general I LOVE self-check out, somehow Wal-Mart's self check out is always a FAIL for me so I don't use it. (Related, I may finally have found a toy Sam likes to play with.  He's been attacking it much of the evening.) I was in the 20 items or less line.  (Shouldn't that be fewer?)  (According to wikipedia, it totally should be).  There was another 20 items or fewer line next to me that was moving much more slowly than mine.  This woman in that line had a full shopping cart.  She kept glaring over at me because the lines were kind of undefined and so I got directly behind one person to get in the quicker line. I wanted to say "look lady, I'm weirdly anal about this and I have 11 items whereas you clearly have well over 20 so get your knickers out of a knot."  I did not though.

So then I move on to another chain grocery store.  I was looking for some produce and a few of those seasoning mixes and a couple other things I couldn't get at Wal-Mart. I pick up my cucumbers, some clementines, chocolate chips (because I'm making GF fruit pies with cherry and chocolate chips, sounds good, no?), and a few other things.  They don't have my seasoning packages but that's okay.  (related, I know you use "Oriental" for things and items like "Oriental" rugs, but I'm still vaguely uncomfortable that that's the label they use for the Asian food section.) I see there are 2 regular lanes open with HUGE lines and the self check out is open.  Wow, one is even totally open. I go and start scanning and then realize nope, someone is in the midst of shopping and apparently has stepped away.  Not acceptable.  So I get in line behind a woman with three candy bars. This should be quick.  Nope. One of the candies is not part of the 2/something deal so she takes it back, leaving the register open but in use.  Then she picks up several other things while she's away and then she can't figure out how to check out.  So I try one other lane but it won't scan my cans and so I give up and put all my stuff back. I can only tolerate the ridiculousness for so long before I wanted to kick someone. I then went across the street to the other grocery store that I like better anyway and got EVERYTHING I wanted and there was no waiting at self-check out and there was no idiots who had wandered off mid-way through checking out.  So all was right with the world. :)

Goals for 2011

As I've long established I don't do resolutions.  I just have goals.  Things I'd like to accomplish.  I didn't make any goals in 2009 for 2010 apparently.  I did find goals in 2008 but those fell by the wayside. So trying again:

1 - I want to get out more.  Maybe do more meet-ups.  It's been 8 months and I still have nobody to hang out with and although I've dated more since moving to Texas than I have in the last 2 years of living in Seattle, I'm not interested in the minotaur so I'll not do that again.

2 - Get a new job.  I hate my current job.

3 - Keep working on paying off debt.  I've been trying to pay more on my cards than min payment and all that but I've gotten a little bad over the holidays.  Sadly I know where my tax refund will be going this year. (Well not sadly this is good and what is necessary.)

4 - Do well in grad school.  I am a slacker at heart.And a lot of this will be online/virtual class. I'd like to do well this time.  (I didn't do horribly in college.  I had like a 3.2 GPA but it would be cool to graduate with honors or something like that). 

5 - Lose more weight.  I've lost about 20 lbs so far.  I can pull all of my pants down without undoing them.  Before I buy  new pants I want to lose more weight so I can go down 2 pants sizes and not 1.  I was doing well about exercising before so I'm hoping to get back into that. If I get the job in Plano I want between that commute and the commute to the college it will get much harder to eat well and be careful about calories.

So there we go.  5 goals.  They seem doable.