Goals for the Summer

I usually do goals somewhere around the new year, but I’m pretty sure I was so despondent over my situation, I didn’t make any so these will be my summer goals.


1. I’ve been going to the gym 5 days a week. I would like to get to a place where I can actually swim the crawl stroke my 20 laps instead of my current 50% swim 50% water aerobics moves with a break between some of the laps. Oh and the 50% swim is mostly the breast stroke which I find easier to do. Although reading an article about swimming, the breast stroke may actually be a better stroke to do for a variety of reasons. I didn’t know that. I always presumed the crawl was better. I can usually do at least 4 laps breast stroke without needing a break, but I don’t have that with the crawl. (And by laps I mean to the other end and back)

2. I was reading about money challenges (and not being broke but can you do this challenge) and one I am going to try this summer is to not spend any money on things that aren’t necessities. (Soda is a necessity, shoes, books and new video games are not). From now until the end of July, spending less money on luxuries. Two things that will stay 1 – breakfast on Sunday mornings. 2 – One other meal out a week. Strangely, since I’ve been exercising in the evening I am more likely to cook at home. It is odd since I usually don’t get home until almost 7, but I seem much more willing to cook. I’m debating giving up fancy cable. I almost never watch HBO or Cinemax but True Blood is starting up again this summer and I do like that. I’ll table that decision until I see the season premiere. I may also join the ranks of those who have given up their landline. I’ll have to see how doing so affects my bundle with Charter. I rarely, if ever, use it and mostly all I get are solicitation calls or bill collectors from people who had the line at least 2 years ago.

3. I would like to work on and hopefully finish at least one of the arts & crap projects I’ve begun but have not gotten very far in. I have a lot of art & crap supplies and once I’m done with a couple of these projects I can get rid of the extraneous supplies. Since I am imagining it will be super hot again, I don’t know if I’ll get out as much as I usually like to. Maybe I’ll try some of the free museums and other activities in the metroplex. (Free because see item 2)

4. I need to get back to volunteering. When I have too much time on my hands I tend to a – nap and b – navel gaze. Neither one is really that good for me. Napping screws up my sleep schedule and I have a hard time sleeping correctly. I already live way too much in my head so when I have too much time on my hands to over think about things it just drives me to obsession and that isn’t good.

My BFF

This is my BFF Peeved Michelle. Well, I don't call her that. I call her just plain Michelle. Or the boss of me. I've been friends with her since college. Apparently I don't have a lot of photos of her, but she'll probably be happy about that.

We have lived together off and on since college. Well mostly off, especially now that I live in Texas and she is still in California. I may move back there eventually. We'll see. I weep at the thought of paying twice my current rent for some scary ass shitty apartment that's half the size of mine. I try to visit several times a year or we get together other places. For the past few years we've gone to BlogHer and I've seen her there. This is her in her fabulous cheeseburgher hat. I'm not going to explain. It is too difficult and involves alcohol.

I've managed to convince her to go to Disneyland with me... more than once. That's pretty impressive if you ask me since she mostly hates crowds and Disneyland. Although she is taking her older kid there for her birthday (well probably the younger one too since it would be just mean to leave her in the car).

This is K around her 2nd, I think, birthday. M's a good mom. Very consistent. Very loving. I envy her this and hope when I acquire my kiddos I can be half as good as she is.

Every year for the past many years (except the year I had to go to AZ to be with my family and the year she went to Florida to be with her husband's family... never again) we get together for Thanksgiving. I've already asked for the time off from my job. Thanksgiving isn't really the important part of the trip. The important part is Black Friday. One year (and only one and never again) we camped out at Best Buy. It was miserable and in the afternoon we (well at least me) were exhausted. But we always get our shopping done and wrapped and ready for me to ship where they need to go by Friday afternoon and then we can enjoy the "holidays" without having to go to the mall. The mall is evil around Christmas. It is best to avoid it at all costs.

I think the night we camped out at Best Buy we had about 4 layers of blankets each. Hard to believe it was THAT cold in CA.

As part of our Thanksgiving tradition, we do some sort of arts & crap project. One year she introduced me to cake pops. That was both the best and worst year ever. Best because well... cake pops and worst because well... cake pops.

She's had some rough few years lately and I'm amazed by her strength and ability to continue moving forward. I should be so lucky to be even partly as awesome as she is. Maybe someday.

Free Weekends

In January I started my internship wherein I worked 8 hours a weekend at a library and given that it takes me about 1/2 hour to get there and back 5 hours of each of my weekend days were spoken for. Five hours in the MIDDLE of the weekend days (1 - 5) were spoken for. Since the first weekend in January I have had Easter Sunday, one weekend in February when my sister and I went to DC and last weekend off from the library.  Until today. I'm done with my internship. I have no house guests. Just me and a glorious weekend of doing what I want. Apparently what I wanted was to do boring errands that I haven't run in months, like taking the recycling to the recycling place. I need my apartment to get recycling. I lugged 5 bags (which became 6 as the "forceflex tough" trashbag broke when I got to the bottom of my stairs that was fun) of newspapers, 3 bags of cans, 3 bags of plastic bags and a shitton of cardboard out to my car to take to the recycling place. I also took a bag of clothes out to the car so I could take them to charity. I discovered I have little to no endurance.  I seem to have decided to do this at the hottest time possible (really 10:00 - 12:00 what was I high?) and it wiped me out.

But I feel accomplished and that's what is important, right? :) I also picked up a shoe organizer for the closet where I keep the shoes. Sadly it was apparently designed for children's flip flops and so I cannot fit a pair of shoes into each little compartment, but that's okay. I think now that I have free time again I'm going to get back to work on my scrapbook project for my scouts scrapbook and Lyday's (gag) orange and blue and cat hair afghan. My niece now wants one too (but it doesn't have to be gator colors thank goodness) so that's another project for me to start and actually complete.

It will be a good summer. I'm looking forward to not having homework to do or anything else really that HAS to be done on the weekend. I think tomorrow I'm going to try to go someplace I can take photos of flowers. I want to create my own flower calendar at Snapfish. At this rate it'll be an 18 monther. :)

Old Skool Music

Usually when listening to my iPod I listen to a play list of about 170ish songs. It gets changed up everyonce in a while as songs start to annoy me or as I buy new ones but there are probably certain songs at the core that are always the same. This week, in a surprising change of pace, I've been listening to my entire iPod at work. I have a little over 1800 songs on it. I'm only on about song 250 so far. It has been fun listening to all my old music. Some of it reminds me of Vlad since I got the songs from him.

I was reminded me of some of my favorite music. They Might Be Giants' Anna Ng came up. One of my favorite lines from that song is "I don't want the world; I only want your half." I have far more Britney Spears than I ever thought I did. I also seem to have way more Christmas music than I thought, yet I'm pretty sure I actually have more Pearl Jam but the Christmas music has come up more frequently.

The strangest thing to come up has been a recording of the audio tour of Millenium Park in Chicago.

blogger's block

I keep starting posts and then deleting them. I think it is because I'm bored with my life so I can't imagine how anyone else wouldn't be bored with my life too. BUT in non-boring thoughts:

1. I'm thinking of trying eharmony again. OKcupid has provided me with a couple of dates so why not. (Oh why not? try abazillion dollars a month that's why not... but you never know.)

2. I was just thinking about cutting off my hair. It gets too hot on my neck. I have a lot of hair. (I don't actually think that is a non-boring thought. It seems pretty boring to me)

3. Oh I did have fun at water aerobics tonight.  We were doing these things called roly polies (well that's what the instructor calls them).  Basically you float on your back and then using your abs flip yourself to the front like superman and then flip back to your back. Over and over and over again. Now in class most use either the pool noodle or the 'weights.'  I do neither. I don't need either. Apparently the instructor can't do them without the noodle or the weights. Haha! Take that! (Really I don't know why this pleased me but it did.  Sometimes it is the simple things, you know)

4. I've been reading a lot of YA books lately. I seem to feel too restless to read an entire book so I've been reading a few beginning chapters. Skipping to the end chapters and then jumping back to a few of the middle chapters. That counts as reading a book, right?

My baby sister

I don't know if I ever really mention my baby sister. I had 2 sisters. One older and one younger. The older one died 10 years ago June. The younger one is still alive. She has a kid, the kid's 16.

She's super cute. (But probably dates men who are less awesome than she is).

These two were taken when we went to Leavenworth, WA one Christmasish time.

She's done a lot of super cool things like get SCUBA certified and live in a foreign country for YEARS.

She's been to more international destinations than I have.

This is her when we went ziplining. I would have been interested in it, but I'm not sure I would have done it if she hadn't agreed to do it.  

She's raised her kid mostly alone. She's much more into family than I am. Probably because they liked her better. :) (This is at the fair. I did not attempt a 'bull' ride because I am easily embarrassed and a wuss.)

Have I mentioned she's cute? And pretty funny. Oh and I'm fortunate that she doesn't hold crap against me because she totally could.

She used to be a gymnast and a diver and a cheerleader. You can tell by her form. (This is at a lake here in Texas. Total old school swimming hole).

I have a digital photo frame in my office. One of her pictures came up and I realized she really is awesome. I probably don't tell her that enough.

What I wanted to Say

There was a post to my celiac group tonight that I feel exemplifies what I hate about my celiac community. We, to my knowledge more than any other allergen group, demand special treatment to the point of entitlement. Nowhere in the Constitution are we guaranteed the right to eat at Subway. And why, in all honesty, would we want to make a fuss about a restaurant that doesn't cater to our every whim when we are not their core demographic? I have no idea why this post is pissing me off as much as it is. I don't usually get my dander up about my celiac listserv even though I usually think most of them are a bunch of whiney princesses. The post and my thoughts after the jump

Bliss

It is amazing to think about just how desperately unhappy my job made me and how much that affected my life here in Texas.  I don't know if this is the last place I will live, I sincerely doubt it is, but now that I'm working at a job I enjoy I'm finding myself refreshed and content with living here.

I've been 'nesting' like a fool for the last several weeks. I have planted about 8 container gardens on my balcony and this weekend I picked up 2 chairs and a little table for the balcony. I sat out there for over an hour today and just enjoyed it. I haven't felt that content in a long time. (Although I did buy 2 chairs because I've read that it is bad feng shui to only buy one, you're implying that you have no room in your life for someone else. Plus I figured the cat would take one over eventually, although he has his very own mat that he seems to love that lives on the balcony too. And he seems to enjoy sitting on my lap while I'm on the balcony.) (That's a lot of parentheticals FYI). 

I am still taking my anti-depressants (although just like before I always seem to forget to take them on the weekend). I'm okay with that though.

So far I really like my job. It is mostly projects and I get to do things I like to do. I have only run into a couple things I don't like to do but since they are so few and far between it makes doing them that much easier. I like the people I work with including my boss and my boss's boss. I am the 2nd youngest one in my group (which seems to be the norm for me somehow). (And they're all significantly older than me) (Like 10 years). I even like my passive aggressive (PA) coworker. Most of them are SUPER religious. Like SUPER religious. (I don't think it is possible for me to stress enough how religious they are). Oh and the admin is a little bit... southern belleish. She doesn't believe women should be firefighters. I forget the other thing she said that made me go 'hmmm...' but it was along those same lines.

I graduate in 26 days!  Cap and gown came in yesterday. My whole family is coming to see me graduate (well by whole family I mean parents and sister and her kid. The other 2 kiddos aren't so kiddo anymore and both are poor as churchmice since their dad is Satan). We'll do a little hanging out for the weekend too. I'm trying to figure out what would be a good thing for Mother's day since I presume my little sister will have to fly back sometime Sunday.

My 20 year high school reunion is coming up in June. If I think about it too hard that freaks me out a little bit. I'm facebook friends with a bunch of them. I feel like I've accomplished nothing compared to some of them. Also, a whole bunch of them became super religious. What the hell? I've messaged a few people I really hope to see to see if they're going. That will help me decide if I'm going since by then I still won't have any vacation to use (6 month waiting period for vacay - it's the reason I'm not going to BlogHer this year).  I'll end up flying in either late Friday night or early Saturday morning and flying back out on Sunday which seems a little whirlwindy and expensive (unless I use flight benefits) for such a short period of time.

Container Gardening

I've decided I want to make my balcony useful and pretty so I've begun container gardening. I started with just a little herb container.  Actually it is all the show "My Cat from Hell"'s fault.  I was watching it and the cat guy created a little herb garden for one of the cats. So for Sam I planted cat grass, sage and parsley. So far Sam is uninterested in the sage and the parsley. (But the sage is pineapple sage which smells so nice!).  I also sowed the seeds of catnip, basil and something else. With the success of that I decided to go further. I planted some onions, columbine (flower), snapdragons (one of my favorite flowers), carrot seeds, cucumber, watermelon, red pepper, forget-me-nots and canteloupe. So far, one of the watermelon seedlings died but the other is looking pretty good. The carrots are beginning to sprout and I'll have to thin them soon I think. I managed to move the catnip outdoors since it was coming in nicely.  In some indoor sowing, I can see the canteloupe beginning to grow. So far, no sprouts on the forget-me-nots or the other two peat pots that have ... I can't remember - basil is one I think.  Today I decided to add a little bit more, but strictly flowers this time. I bought African daisy and California poppy seeds and just threw them in a pot with some soil. I'm not sowing them indoors first. The last flower I bought was sweetpea. I love sweetpeas. (The flower, not the food.  Do sweetpea flowers bring about real peas? I don't know about that.)

If all goes well, I'll be graduating on May 11th with my Master's in Library Science. I'm not going to be using it right off the bat. I still really like the job I'm currently doing. :) My parents are actually coming to my graduation. I feel kind of happy about that. I think I would have been disappointed if I asked if they were interested and they weren't. I may or may not have a 4.0. I think my cataloging class is going to give me a B. But I am hopeful. I have no idea what my collection development class will give me since the professor thus far has not returned any of my papers. I have no idea how I've done and that is really annoying me. Apparently she recognizes that's an issue since she pushed back the due date of our most recent assignment until the 6th since she knows she hasn't graded our papers yet.

Adult Nightmares

When I was a little girl, I had a "monster" bell. The bell would ring if there were monsters in the room. I remember jumping far over the edge of the bed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night in case monsters were under my bed. I would then jump from the doorway back into bed to avoid the monsters under the bed. I think, in general, nightmares are about powerlessness. As a kid you are powerless against monsters or ghosts or skeletons or being left alone at the zoo.

My adult nightmares are also about powerlessness, but since they're all things that COULD happen, they get that much worse. Last night/this morning I had a dream that Michelle's kids died. Like the 3 of us adults watched it happen, but while she and her husband were part of the scene, I was more like Scrooge and just observing the scene. I couldn't help the kids I couldn't help her and her husband.  I couldn't reach out and save one of the kids. I just had to watch it happen. Another recent dream was that my mom was in the hospital with a heart attack and was on the brink of death. But nobody would let me in to the hospital.  Nobody would tell me what was going on, I just knew it in my bones that was happening.  I think I had another one about Kate (in Vt not Katey) and her husband Dave dying.   Before Vlad died my nightmares were more about despair and hopelessness but manifesting itself in different ways. I was in a hospice dying all alone. I was homeless. My sister had disappeared and I couldn't find her.  Now it is all death all the time and all I can do is watch as the people I love die and not support the survivors.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. I'm hanging on to so much guilt that I need to let go. I know in my head I did the right thing for me at the right time. Vlad was an alcoholic. He owed me money. I loaned him a computer he never returned. I helped him move after he'd been evicted TWICE for non-payment of rent. He became more and more aggressive when he drank and I would get so embarrassed by his behavior. He lost jobs. The jobs he began to take were all in bars where he could then drink for free.  I couldn't be around that anymore. I get, in my head, that backing away from our friendship was right. Hopefully someday my heart will agree.

Taking Back Sundays

For the longest time Sunday was my favorite day of the week. I'm a morning person and since Sundays are lazy days for a lot of people (or church days for others) I could get up, do my laundry and run my errands in the morning leaving me the afternoons free to do Sunday Adventures! In some respects, that hasn't changed for me here in Texas. I'm still an early riser.  Since I have a washer & dryer in my apartment I don't have to fight the laundry room crowd so I don't always do my laundry on Sundays. I get up and go to brunch or breakfast and then (currently) spend the afternoon in my practicum or else working on homework. 

The hard thing about Sundays is that there was always a cloud hanging over my head. Sundays meant going to work on Monday and goodness knows I didn't want to do that. The amount I dreaded work increased throughout Sunday until Sunday night when I would have a hard time sleeping. With my new job, at least currently, I don't dread Sundays. This past Sunday I got up early, went to breakfast and then went shopping before my practicum at 1:00. It was nice. I had forgotten how much I love Sundays. The only down side to Sundays in Texas is that a lot of stores don't open until later than I'd like. But a minor issue and once my practicum is over, I'll get to play again.

On Dying & Pets

My parents have 2 cats. Max and something else. Sweetums I think.  They are LONG haired cats because my mother loves Persian cats. Sweetums is old, I think. Max is not so old maybe 3.  My parents are OLD (75 & 70).  It dawned on me recently that the odds are good one or more of the cats will outlive them.  Since my nephew, who kind of liked Max I think, lives with Satan right now he wouldn't be able to take them. That leaves them to my sister or I or one each. The reason I got Sam was because he's a short haired cat. Many of my friends are cat allergic and while a cat is still a cat, short hair is easier on them than long hair. They can tolerate the short hair for a longer period of time.  It is a sort of compromise without really being one. Also I hate Persian cat coats because they require intensive maintenance. I brush Sam when his fur is shedding into my face a lot, but I never have to worry about him looking like a psychotic ball of mats.

A couple of tweeps suggested ASPCA or euthanasia.  Neither is really an option.  We have a long and somewhat weird history with pets. Growing up we always had cats and dogs. All of our pets were strays acquired either from shelters or somehow through my older sister.  Especially from my older sister who would acquire them and then be living in a place that wouldn't let her have them.  I have no idea where Charlie (cat named after Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka) or Keffie (daschund) came from (I believe they moved from PA with us when I was 4ish).  Mouse (a dachapoo) came from my sister. We went to the animal shelter when I was age something (like 6 or 7) and I got to adopt Midnight (black cat obviously).  Boogack (another black cat I think my sister named it and it may have had another realer name before that one which if I think about it hard enough the original name may have actually been "Black cat") also came from a shelter. Nick (another daschund) came via my sister. Smokey (gray cat awesome but a hugeass bitch) sister. Sebastian I adopted from the shelter via my mother who was there for some random reason. We had to put Seb down maybe 2 years later tops for feline leukemia.  For a brief time we had TJ Waterbuffalo (a sheepdog who went to live on one of my sisters' friends' ranches he was just way too big for our little house and yard) and he came from my sister natch. There was Groucho who had been a neighbor's cat but decided she liked us better. (And the neighbor's grandmother with whom they were living was just fine with that solution).  For awhile when my sister lived with us again her manx cat Jamie lived with us too.  Jamie she always kept with her. I'm sure I may be forgetting a few. Oh after I left and was a grown up they acquired Ming (shih tzu) from when my grandmother died. And how could I forget the one that started her Persian obsession... I want to say his name was Buddy. He was gray. I think he came via my sister. He also, at one point in his life, got into a battle with a neighbor cat that he almost lost and got his throat ripped open. Or maybe that was Smokey. (Seriously the gray and the black cats run together after awhile).  I also think there was a second Buddy in there, Max is kind of white but she had a tan Persian for awhile too.  Champagne puddles (also Persian cat) I think also came via my sister (although I could be wrong about that one). 

All in all, growing up we had a lot of pets most of whom were cast off and rejects from other places.  Smokey had been a feral cat out at a trailer park where my sister lived for a time. How my sister decided we needed him I'll never know, but I liked Smokey even though she intially pretty much hated people. I was the only one who could flip her on her back and pet her chest while cradling her like a baby. My father always thought that was brave of me.  It was drilled into me that you don't give up the pets. It isn't their fault if you are a fuck up. Now, as an adult I can definitely see the gray areas in pet ownership.  If a pet is dangerous to to the family or other people, that's a problem. Having been attacked by someone's pet dog more than once (once requiring 9 stitches and had it been a little higher my girlie bits would be a lot different), I'll never say that all pets should be kept at all times by all people.  And while I don't believe necessarily in "dangerous" breeds, I do know that some animals, due to inbreeding or just the way their mutt genes combine, don't turn out quite right.  Champagne puddles (registered name Champagne Bubbles) was an awful cat. She never came out from under the bed, unless it was to pee on the bed. She peed on it once with my father in it asleep. They had to keep a shower curtain on the bed because of her. And yet, as my father pointed out, it wasn't her fault she was batshit crazy. Since she wasn't a danger to anyone, she got to live. We never, as I recall, had any dangerous dogs. The worst was probably Smokey who we mostly let have her own way until she got used to us. She was hostile, but not aggressive.

When my sister died in 2002, she behind more than just 2 kids. She and the kids had pets.  The horses were actually already willed to people so that was taken care of. (And it was a good thing since Satan wanted to sell them out from under the rightful owners).  I believe my nephew's dog had already died by that point. I know Jamie had passed by then. So that left a ferret named Slinky, a lunatic Australian Shepherd named Robin and my niece's cat Sugar.  When I found out my sister died, one of the first things I said to my parents was make sure you take the ferret. I knew Satan wouldn't want him and wanted to make sure Slinky lived out the end of his life content.  I offered to take him but they decided to hold on to him.  So this left Robin and Sugar. As I understand it, Satan offered my 12ish year old niece a choice. She could keep Robin, her mother's dog, or Sugar, her cat. He then had Robin put down.  To be remotely fair (not really) Robin was pretty old. Sugar was very young. He then left Sugar at the empty house until one of the rightful horse owners picked her up and brought her back to live with my parents.

In any event, the only way pets left the family, with the exception of TJ, is via their own death. Either we had them put to sleep after they were too sick and it was too cruel to make them live anymore or they died on their own somewhere in the house. I remember Charlie died under their bed. Midnight had to be put down due to Feline Leukemia. It happened while I was on vacation in Japan and I was heartbroken.  The cats were all indoor/outdoor cats. They could come and go as they pleased and I feel fairly certain one of them became hawk food right out of our back yard. 

I don't know what this will mean for Max and Sweetums. Sam HATES other cats and makes Max's life miserable whenever my parents drive through on their way to Florida. Of course he'd eventually get over it and/or Sweetums would knock Sam silly with her still clawed paws and that would be the end of that. But (Along with a house that would make the people on hoarders see dollar signs in terms of how much money we would have to pay them to take care of it all) they are something me (or my sister) will have to figure out when the time comes.  I suppose it would be unkind of me to say to my mother "You can't get any more cats because you are old and I don't want to end up with them."  But I kind of want to.

New Job!

For those not following along at home, I quit my evil, horrible, made me sad, I can't work for this psycho bitch anymore job.  Surprisingly while I worked out my notice, I actually got offered another job. I originally was only taking a week off between jobs, but evil boss decided she didn't want me there when she was gone, so I ended up leaving early from that job (and getting paid out).  My baby sister and I went to DC which none of us have ever been to. We packed as much as we possibly could into our 4 days. It was AWESOME! And I have pictures I have to pull off the camera eventually. 

I started the new job on Monday. So far it is good, but beginning a new job is exhausting. I was so tired yesterday, Wednesday, I fell asleep at 6:30. Woke up long enough to watch Revenge via the DVR (at 10) and then went back to bed. My new boss has really just started me right away on projects, which I appreciate. The downfall is that I have zero cell reception in my office.

Remembering Vlad

I've been running non-stop since Sunday to avoid thinking about this. My friend Volodiya died. Early readers of this blog, that may only be Michelle, may remember he used to post here periodically.

We met in college. He was the first gay person who I knew was gay. Even then, I had to have it explained to me since I thought since he had a picture of Marilyn Monroe that must mean he was straight. I was naive, I confess. We hung out through college. When Kate & I had our falling out he was there to pick up my pieces. He took me out to the middle of nowhere to celebrate my 21st birthday where we ate cake and drank a lot and had friends come out and drink.  He's the reason I can type 80 words per minute.  One of my favorite letters I received from him while he was in France complained about how useless the internet was. (This was pre-search engines).  He used to call me up and say "Hey, Baby, what are you wearing?"  My response was always "Nothing but a smile big boy." He would then scream like a girl and we would laugh and laugh. We spent one Christmas break playing Super Nintendo and listening to The Smiths. Only Morrissey understands! 

Volodiya made me laugh and made me cry. He protected me. He drank with me. He supported me when I needed it. We grew apart and lost touch. I missed him and still do. And now he's gone and I'll never be able to apologize. And I'm not sure how I'll get over that.

This is not a post about my work status or my schooling.

Aren't you relieved?

I needed a new skin care regime. My "T" zone was super dry and flakey sometimes. I went to Ulta and was chatting with one of the sales reps. She recommended Dermalogica so I bought one of those kits. I'm now being a grown up and not just using hand soap and regular facial lotion on my face. So far I like what it is doing to my face. It feels nice.  AND I recently got a compliment on my face by a coworker. She said she could tell I'm doing something different.

Bittersweet Relief

My period of unemployment theoretically is over before it even began. I was offered a job yesterday.  I am excited about that. I am relieved about that.  The thought of actually being unemployed scared me a lot. Now I say theoretically I was offered a job because technically I have not received an actual offer yet. I've received verbal confirmation that I'm their first choice, but right now they are calling my references and doing a background check. One of those two things could cause me to fail. Maybe. I hope not. I also don't know how much salary or what start date would be yet so although I may have a job, I'll believe it when I see it. 

The Pros:  in Fort Worth so I don't have to move from my current apartment. In an industry I've been hoping to break into. It is a job with income, hopefully comparable to what I earn now although I know the max is less than I currently earn.  I can rehire the housekeeper. :) (although I won't until I actually get an offer and a salary).

The Cons: It isn't in a library. There's a fellowship I really want which would mean moving in July and quitting which would make me feel badly. (Realistically speaking the odds are low I'd get it but I'm still applying because it would be kickass).  I'll be working full time while juggling 13 credit hours. I was kind of hoping for a little break so I could really focus on school. 

Luckily, I won't start until after comp exam so I'll have a week off between the two jobs. I'm going to DC with my sister and her kid for a little long weekend which I've never been there. I'm feeling really positive about things, which is exciting because it has been a long time since I've really felt positive. (Positivity tweets notwithstanding.) 

Journey into Unemployment

Today I gave notice at my job. I am super excited about leaving this job. As part of getting ready to be unemployed I contacted my housekeepers to tell them 2 things. 1.  They haven't billed me for last housekeeper day. 2. I'm cancelling because I'm about to be unemployed.  Well, they claim they haven't billed me for last housekeeper day because the housekeeper didn't come.  Sadly that is incorrect since I had a newly made bed that I didn't make. Which I reported to them. She said she would investigate, but then said she may not look too hard since I'm about to be unemployed and all.  That was super sweet!

My evil boss has agreed to not fight unemployment payments for me.  This is kind of huge because it means I would at least have some money coming in.  Sadly it would be a whopping $426 per week and I make more than that, but at least it would be some money.  Interestingly I could survive on that and it would leave me almost $400/month for everything after bills. (Provided it is tax-free which I think it is). 

I've actually got two job interviews lined up. One is with the same company I had a first interview last week.  The other is a place I've been trying to phone screen with since last Monday. And here's where I now have a dilemma. What if I actually get one of these jobs? Do I take it? Even with the fuller than full time schooling? I feel like I would have to. I'm not sure if I can actually BE unemployed.  I already don't talk to people on a regular basis (or ever really).  If I am home all the time for unemployment... This could be bad for me. :)  But what if I get that fellowship? Then I'd be quitting in July. I would feel badly if I left a job that I just started 3 months later. But what if I don't get the fellowship and can't find a library job. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. That's about all I can do isn't it.

Finances

I almost never talk about finances because I HATE finances. I hate thinking about money. I hate dealing with money and I've often said I'd be better off if I gave my money to someone else to dole out an allowance to me. I suck at money. BUT since I'm quitting on Monday I need to figure out where to cut expenses and how I'm going to live while I finish my degree and find a new job. Long term blog readers may know that it took me almost a year after moving to Seattle to find a new job I liked and that didn't make me want to drink heavily.  I would rather not repeat that experience. So in an effort to figure out how to best handle my about to be new found unemployment, I took a look at what I spend my money on.  After bills, I'm ashamed to admit I spend a shitton of money on food. I am embarrassed at how much I eat out. It is ridiculous.  $180 in a month in eating out alone.  That's $6 a day I'm throwing away. Even worse is what I spend in groceries. (Although it may be skewed slightly because I also get my gas at Kroger and my debit card doesn't show the difference but really I put in about 30 bucks every 2 weeks so mostly it isn't gas).  I spent almost $600 in groceries last month.  I'm one person. What the hell am I buying?  And, I don't even know how much rotten food I throw out because I don't eat it.  Clearly I can cut back a lot on both of those items.  Oddly enough, I spend very little on other things.  I spent about $100 on gluten free baked goods.  That's a lot but it is also an anomaly.  I don't think I usually buy that much in a typical month.  And once I'm unemployed I won't buy that much at all. 

Next I'm going to do something I know is a very bad idea. I will pay a penalty for it which is a waste of money.  I'm going to cash out my retirement plan with the University and pay off my credit cards and my car so I'll have no debt during this period of un/under employment.  I will then call my credit card co and not cancel the card altogether but reduce the max to a very minimal amount.  My student loans won't start coming due until December/Jan and hopefully by then I'll have a real paying job in a library.  And I'll get another job but it will be primarily mindless. Contract or temp work would be ideal.  Something that will allow me to pay my bills and perhaps still eat.

Leap of Faith

For those that don't follow me on twitter or are friends with me on facebook, I'm about to embark on something insane. I've added one more class to my semester which puts me at 13 credits. And I'm going to quit my job.  This way I can be done with my degree in May instead of waiting until August.

This all came up because of a fellowship a friend sent to me.  I could qualify. Exemplary grades. An essay. A bunch of other things. BUT I have to have my MLIS by July 1.  If I had stuck with my current plan I wouldn't have it in time.  But in reality it makes sense. I'm on the fringe of being fired. I made a mistake. A huge one. My boss made a similar mistake but even huger, and I'm on the fringe of firing and she's not but whatever. This is my 2nd write up. I know she's planning on replacing me since I found the job listing "blind."  So this makes sense because I need a new job before August. And I don't want to work in benefits anymore which is what I'd have to try to get a job in if I left before I got my degree.

The leap of faith comes in since I could end up unemployed. For a long time. This terrifies me. I was unemployed for almost a year after moving to Seattle. I still feel the financial impact of that. BUT it is the only answer. I can't keep up at this job. (Well obviously since I'm on the brink of firing).  I'd rather quit than be fired so there you go.

I don't really believe in things happening for a reason or anything like that, but it seems like this whole change is the right thing.  My friend tweeted me about the job posting today. I read it and fell in love with the posting and discovered I wouldn't finish in time. I emailed my advisor about when I would finish if I took my summer class and the test then to discover I was 42 days after the cut off. So then I emailed back and asked about adding one more class and capstone this semester (since I didn't know what the graduate credit limit was).  The advisor called me right away because today was the deadline to add a class and pay for it. In a very short time she had me registered in a class and I paid and it is a done deal.

Online dating

So in an attempt to get something interesting or good or whatever in my life I've started online dating again. This is nerve wracking on a number of levels.  I don't think I translate well online. I've been trying to be more proactive than I usually am. Usually I post a profile and wait to see if anyone expresses any interest in me. They don't. Or sometimes super weirdos in other states do but that's really worse.  So this time I'm taking the initiative and contacting guys whose profiles I have thoroughly explored. I'm amazed at the number of guys who believe that both creationism and evolution should be taught in school.  I try to console myself with maybe they believe that since we're in Texas creationism is taught in school so evolution should be too, but I'm pretty sure that's not the belief.  That seems to be one of the lightning rod questions for me. I do like the fact that okcupid allows you to answer a lot of different types of questions (both publicly and privately) and use that to help match you up with someone. Although he's geographically less desirable, I've been texting with a guy who I am 99% compatible with according to their algorithms. I'll be meeting him on Friday night. We'll see.

Passion (less)

For the past several years I haven't felt excited about what I do. I'm not sure I've ever felt excited about what I do. I just happened to be good at it. Maybe I liked it for awhile. Hard to say at this point. I thought I liked it. But I do recall being uneasy about getting my CEBS certification because I feel like I would be pigeonholed by this job path. Luckily (or unluckily as the case may be), I hate what I do now so much I no longer want to do it ever again. Sadly I'm in kind of a weird place. I'm not done with my MLIS degree so getting a real library job isn't going to happen quite yet, but I have to get out of my current one. I tried to quit last week. Evil boss talked me out of it. Turns out evil boss has been looking for my replacement since January 4th (week before I "quit").  So really she just doesn't want me to quit until she has the new me in place and then she can fire my ass like she has wanted to for sometime. I have a phone and an inperson interview this week. Hopefully one of those will pan out so I can get the hell out of dodge.

I've started doing my practicum for my library school.  So far I've only been there for 4 days. I'm not thrilled that it is Sat & Sun from 1 - 5 PM because that means I have no days off. BUT until classes start so far it isn't totally killing me (yet).  Last weekend I mostly observed the desk but I did get to answer a few questions. I liked (for now maybe that'll change) helping kids find the books and materials they were looking for. This weekend I spent the weekend searching through the catalog to see if the books in these magazines that had positive reviews were purchased for the library. So far, not so much on the non-fiction.

I've never really felt like a person who believes you have to LOVE what you do or follow your bliss or whatever. Work is work. It would be nice if it isn't so awful you cry all the time and/or want to drink heavily, but I'm okay if I can find something to like about what I do and who I work with.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

It looks like the Peeved family will not be moving to Texas. Michelle & I talked about it the other day.  Peeved husband LOVES his new job and his new office and his coworkers and has been pushing to stay in CA.  They also have lots and lots of family there to help with the kiddos when necessary.  Strangely, I'm not at all sad about it. Mostly because I think this experiment in cheap, friendly, Republican living isn't really working for me.  I know the job thing is a HUGE part of the issue. If I were happier in my work I might be happier here. But there are some fundamental flaws with Texas.  Things like I HATE WIND.  They may not have written a song about the winds sweeping down Texas' plain, but it does.  I don't love 100+ degree weather. It may be a "dry" heat but it is still fucking hot and like the wilting flower I am I regularly suffer.

So what does this mean?  I don't know.  I'm going to start applying for jobs in CA and maybe a few other states. I have to finish my practicum here in TX.  (Well I don't HAVE to, but I would imagine it would be hard to change practicum mid-stream.)  I should be done with it on tax day, which is actually sooner than I originally thought.  Everything else I have to do can be done online. I can't figure out if I should just slog through the hell job for another 3 - 4 months so I can finally apply for library jobs since I'll be essentially done by May/June or find another benefits job for awhile.  If I move to CA, it will have to be another benefits job. As it is, I almost cried when I looked at the rents there. Who knows what is coming, but I'm keeping my mind open to it.

God doesn't want me to have a good New Year's Eve

I went camping this New Year's Eve. I had this whole romantical idea that I would ring in the new year under the stars.  That sort of worked out and sort of didn't.  I did enjoy eating my dinner by the lantern and then sitting by the campfire. That part was awesome.  And I had left my tent open, not put on the rain fly because I could see the stars.  You can see a lot of stars in Texas.  Then... the wind started to blow. And blow. AND BLOW.  I don't like wind.  It creeps me out. I don't like the noise. I don't like the feeling of it. I don't like wind. (I know I am now living in a plains state, what the hell was I thinking?).  So I ended up going to bed early. That was fine. At midnight there was a loud ruckus so I at least woke up to ring in the new year. But then I had to get up and put the rainfly on the tent because I was also FREEZING.  Got home around lunch time today and proceeded to take a 5 hour nap. I will post photos later. I toook a bunch! It was super pretty there.

Puppy

Today while I was driving from the grocery store, I saw a big rottweiler running in the road. I would have chased after it to at least get it out of the road, but I was in the 2nd left turn lane and in no real position to stop.  I looked for it, but couldn't find it again.  It totally reminded me of a dog we had when I was a little girl.  The dog was funny looking. She was part dachshund and part poodle. So she was low to the ground but had this crazy fur that mostly matted. She had been my sister's dog but like most of my sister's pets, she'd abandon them to us and they would become a family pet. So Mouse used to get out and we'd never notice it.  We have no idea where she'd go, maybe just around the block but we'd randomly hear scratching at the front door and she was back.  I used to joke that since we never walked her she started walking herself.  I thought about her seeing that dog running in the road and wondered if when people would see Mouse "walking herself" would they worry about her being loose and try to catch her to bring her back.

Epiphany

Six years ago, my mother and I had a screaming match in the front yard of their house. The gist of it was that I was no longer going to tolerate her irrational anger. I grew up walking on eggshells not knowing if she was going to get pissed off at something or not, not knowing what kind of mood she was going to be in. While I spent most of today agonizing over the wrath of my boss come Tuesday over something I had payroll do I realized something... If I'm not willing to put up with it in my mother why in the hell am I putting up with it in my boss?  That's one of my biggest issues with her. She gets irrationally angry about stupid stuff. I am not putting up with it anymore. I may end up quitting before I have a new job lined up, but I can't do it anymore. Worse comes to worst, I pull my 401K out. That's really bad, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I can be a 90 year old librarian. :)
My second epiphany of today was what my boss was irrationally angry about. I asked payroll to do a refund of benefits for someone today. She flipped out because of the tax implications since the refund will count as part of the first payroll of 2012 and the deduction was taken out in 2011. "As the benefits manager I should think of these things..." After I thought about it more I realized if the PAYROLL manager didn't care why the hell was she freaking out? Since the PAYROLL manager has no issue, she's got no place to be pissed off.

Before I quit in a fit of wrath, I may try to talk to the new CEO.  The CFO couldn't rein her in maybe the new CEO can. My entire department hates her. The payroll manager is on the verge of quitting due to her. Before I started at least 3 other people quit due to her. And let's not forget the African American woman she fired. After only giving her less than 1 week to improve on her "improvement plan."

Goals for 2012

Anyone who has read this before knows I don't make resolutions. I make goals. Things I'd like to do better at.

Meal Planning.  I make this goal periodically.  Usually after I realize how much take out I'm eating. I eat a lot of take out. Too much take out. I'm pretty good about setting up food for the week for lunches but somehow not dinners.

Keep my 4.0 GPA in grad school.  With under grad I never had a chance. Well maybe I had a chance, but since I took Speech the first semester of my first year I never really had a chance. Somehow now, though, I've got one. Three semesters in and I have a 4.0.  I have 3 classes in the spring and one in the summer. I know in reality it doesn't mean anything really, but now that I'm almost there I want it.

I would add find a new job but that was a goal for 2011 and didn't pan out.  That's kind of always an ongoing goal. Without babbling too much about something that hasn't changed, I hate my job. I want a new job. Maybe once I have my MLIS I can get the new job easier. I hope. The thought of being at the current job for another year makes me want to cry. A LOT. Although there is a glimmer of hope (which keeps getting pushed back) in that we're merging with another company. I keep hoping evil boss will be let go to keep the hr person from the new company.

Better living through chemistry

I started back on anti-depressants just over a week ago. I knew the signs long before I started back on them. I didn't want to do anything. I felt so anxious.  In reality I probably should never have went off them. I ended up off them over a year ago because I forgot to take them for about a week and realized I felt fine. And I did. And I had been feeling pretty good for awhile. But as these things go I've been frustrated with my job and my life. I felt anxious all the time (due to my job). And even though I've been job hunting (for over a year wahoo) to find a new job, nothing has come about. So I'm back on the Prozac (generic) train. This morning you wouldn't have known I was on them. I was so anxious. I drove the whole way to work just imagining gloom and doom. I was positive today was going to be a really crappy day. Luckily I was totally wrong and it was fine. By this evening I was actually feeling a little more light hearted (of course that could partially be because today is Friday and I don't have to go back to that hell until Monday).  I know they take a little time to work. I can tell they've been doing something because I have had the most intense hot flashes. Christ if this is what menopause is going to be like I refuse to do it.  Luckily those have calmed down now.

I used to be really good at counting my blessings.  Well I never called it that, but that's the gist of it. Thinking positively and considering all the good things that are going on in my life.  I know I'll be able to do it again and I know I'll get back to volunteering again. And I'm glad to be in grad school, even though I'm terrified I won't be able to make a decent enough living at being a librarian. (Although I'm now considering looking into being a corporate librarian. I think that would be interesting for awhile.) I know I'm on the path to good things.  It is just hard to see that sometimes.

Why I'm Over the Pink

There was a secret up on Postsecret recently about resenting breast cancer awareness because of the number of children diagnosed with cancer and how underfunded and unaware people are of it. Steve Jobs died this week of Pancreatic Cancer. A cancer which killed Patrick Swayze and Michelle's father. According to the AP, only 20% survive the first year post diagnosis and by 5 years only 4%.  There's not a lot the physician's can do for it. And yet, you rarely hear about pancreatic cancer.

According to Cancer.gov, the most common cancer is prostate cancer.  Did anyone know that?  They estimate that there will be 221,130 new cases of lung cancer and 156,940 estimated deaths from lung cancer. Yes breast cancer is the 2nd most frequent cancer around. (More estimated new cases than lung), but only an estimated 39000 people will die from it. I won't say that breast cancer isn't significant, obviously it is. But with cancers that are a guaranteed death sentence, maybe we should start funneling some of that pink money along to other cancers.

New TV!

I think it is no secret that I love television. I grew up on it. I get super excited when September rolls around and new shows are announced and favorites come back.  Last week was the pinnacle of the new season. (Is that right? I think I'm using that correctly).  Many things I love are back and some new things I'm still on the fence about have started and one thing I'm totally in love with (so much so that I watched the premiere twice in the same week when usually I don't rewatch a show that quickly). 

Returning:
Parks & Recreation.  I don't know if I've posted here about my love of this show.  I love the character of Leslie Knope. I want to BE Leslie Knope. I don't know that I have ever felt as passionate and inspired and excited about my job as she is.  She's fearless in her pursuit of greatness for her Parks Department and I just find her so amazing.  I also wish I could be as positive as she is and as able to compliment people the way she does. She is probably my favorite character on TV right now and I will be super sad when the show gets cancelled. (At some point way way way in the future).

Sons of Anarchy: It seems odd that I like this show.  It seems like a show I wouldn't like.  But I weirdly love it.  It's violent. It's brutal.  It does feature some very attractive eye candy so that helps with the brutality part.  This season they're getting in deep with some even worse dudes than usual so it could be interesting.  Last season I kept watching because they were in "Ireland" and the accents alone kept me going.

Raising Hope: Another show I love. The family is so caring of each other and funny.  And they're trying so hard to do things right for the baby that was thrust upon them.  They really care about each other and I think that isn't always the feeling you get with television shows. Plus they've got the cutest baby on television bar none. 

New Shows

The New Girl: Michelle liked this show. I'm on the fence. I liked the boys on the show but find Zooey whateverherlastnameis to be too much. It was like she was trying too hard.  But it is on between Glee and Raising Hope and I watch both of those so I'll end up watching it until it gets cancelled.

Two Broke Girls: Freaking hysterical. I thought it was sharp and well written. It may have been a little over the top in terms of innuendo, but that's okay. I do find that I'm completely distracted by Max's boobs in her uniform. They're massive.

Revenge: By far the best show I've seen in a long time. It was so well thought out. I am sucked in and completely excited to watch next week!  Emily Van Camp has such a girl next door vibe (probably due to Everwood) that you can't believe she's plotting against these Hamptonites. It is delicious and I don't use that word lightly. I hope it goes on for a long time, BUT has an end in place so it doesn't drag on forever and ever.  I've already watched the pilot twice.

Alone vs Not Alone

Since I live alone and hang out by myself a lot, I have a weird set of rules about what I feel is acceptable for me to do alone versus what says pathetic to me.  I was thinking about that as I was driving home today.  I thought about going to Oklahoma to go to a casino over the weekend. (Although in general I find going to casinos to be an odd activity unless I'm actually in Vegas or Atlantic City), but I feel like that's an activity that is pathetic to do alone. So here are the rules of going places alone as defined by me:

Eating out - Fine depending on the quality of the restaurant.  Dennys - no problem.  Ruths Chris steak house or fancier - weird.
Movies - Fine alone
Theater - Depends. Musicals are okay but like the symphony no. (No logic there).
Drinking in a bar - Not so much alone. I think that's sad.
Attend a sporting event - iffy. I think they're more fun when you're there with other people. But I've done it alone and it wasn't a big deal.
Going to a casino - Since I already think going to the Indian casinos are a little bit sad, I think going alone is super sad.

A Regular Employee

As I was driving home from picking up my latest textbooks from UNT I realized that with my next career I'm just going to be a regular employee.  No more will I have the inside information I'm usually privvy to in my role in HR.  It's an interesting concept.  Of my 15 years working since I left college, 12 of them have been in Human Resources.  My next job will likely be the last one before I give up HR altogether and become a librarian.  When you work in HR, you know things.  Always.  I interact with all levels of the company and since I do benefits and leaves of absence I KNOW things.  What I currently do impacts the company and the employees as a whole. When I'm a regular employee I won't have that anymore. And in all honesty, I'm looking forward to that. 

BlogHer - The good, the bad and the hmm...

I've been to BlogHer twice as an attendee and once as just a groupie hanging out and trying to crash parties. (I'd never been to Chicago, BlogHer provided me a way to hang out with my pals and visit ChiTown).
This year BlogHer was in San Diego.  Since it has been over 100 degrees here forevfuckingever that was the nicest thing possible.  When I landed in San Diego and stepped out at the airport I felt a wave of nostalgia. The air smelled like the ocean. (Not that Camarillo smelled like the ocean but it was very close to the ocean).  It made me miss California.  And Seattle. And anyplace that isn't Texas, but that's another story. 

I really liked hanging out with Michelle, Katey, Laura, Amy, Leslie and Karla.  It is good to hang out with people, some of whom I know and some of whom were new to me.  I really liked the food they served.  I was thrilled with clearly labelled gluten-free options.  It was AWESOME.  I liked the swag.  It is not hard to like swag. :) I liked the parties.  I like parties.  I liked the session I attended. Sadly I only attended one.

There wasn't anything really bad about the trip. I feel like the hotel is kind of pricey and since they didn't do room drops this year, I would have been okay going to a cheaper hotel. (Michelle probably wouldn't have been though).  I didn't like how spread out things were which required what felt like a long walk.  I wish there had been more sessions I was interested in, but I know they can't please everyone.  The ONE session I was interested in, I didn't make it to because I had to finish homework for my class.  (which I got a 12.5 out of 12.5 on by the way). 

The Hmm... The real hmm is do I go back?  Next year it is New York City again.  I feel like NYC was much more expensive than Chicago and San Diego.  I don't think the hotel was only $199/night.  And I'm just not sure.  I'm not sure what I get out of it besides free stuff (which if you add up hotel, airfare etc isn't actually free per se) and hanging out with my friends.  Now, it'll cost to have a girls weekend anyway and with BlogHer at least I get breakfast and lunch paid for as part of my ticket. :)  (as well as parties and drinking in the evening).  So far in two years I think I've attended MAYBE 3 sessions (I think only 2 actually and one Michelle was on the panel and the other I just went with Michelle).  I know if I don't go, I'll feel left out since many of the girls are going again next year. And I can go and hang with Katey who doesn't go to the sessions either.  We could do touristy things. (if she goes I think she's on the fence too).  I dunno. I can't think that far ahead.

Moralistic Stance

One of my few moralistic stances relates to cheating.  I have no issue with couples who want to be in an open relationship or poly (and no interest in that myself), but if only one person is in an open relationship while the other doesn't know anything about it, that's cheating. (Obviously). 

While watching The Piano for class tonight I realized it is the selfishness I have a horrible time with.  I know, somehow, we were supposed to feel for Holly Hunter's character.  In fact, the reason I was watching had to do with the Blackbeard Folk story and the husband represents Blackbeard, but the whole time I was watching the movie I thought about how awful she was to him.  I'm not saying she deserved to have her finger cut off by an axe, that was horrific. But seriously, he didn't seem like a bad guy.  The husband didn't do anything wrong (well, you know until he snaps and cuts her finger off with an axe, but PRIOR to that).  I couldn't feel any empathy for her.  I couldn't feel any empathy for Diane Lane in Unfaithful.  I could never feel any empathy for Carrie when she cheated on Aiden.  I couldn't feel any empathy for the gay cowboys even.    This is also the reason I've never read (nor watched) bridges of Madison County or the Horse Whisperer.  I started the Horse Whisperer thinking it was a story about rebuilding the horse and child's life and got annoyed... skipped to the end and put the book down never to read it again.

Validation

One of the things I've frequently said about illegal immigration is that as a lunatic flaming liberal the way I am, amnesty is not the right answer for illegal immigrants. It still supports the corrupt system that brings the people here illegally and puts their lives in danger. I believe we have to support Mexico (and other Latin American countries) in improving their infrastructure and their education so that the people aren't forced to leave out of desperation.  I don't believe that for the most part the illegals who come into this country do so lightly. They abandon their homes and everything they know and pay coyotes lots of money to usually work slave wages and live in fear that they will be sent back to Mexico.  If there were options for them in Mexico they wouldn't come.  Today I saw a New York Times article that agrees with me! The "waves" of illegal immigrants is actually on the decline and Mexico (and the citizens quoted in the article) credit this partially to the improvement of their lives and opportunities in Mexico.  Usually I don't link to articles because the link will eventually die and I hate dead links but here's the article.  Two quotes from the article:

Antonio said the risks hit home when his nephew Alejandro disappeared in the Sonoran Desert around 2002. A father of one and with a pregnant wife, Alejandro had been promised work by a friend. It took years for the authorities to find his body in the arid brush south of Tucson. Even now, no one knows how he died.

“They’re identifying more with Mexico,” said Agustín Martínez González, a teacher. “With more education, they’re more likely to accept reality here and try to make it better.” 

Trying Out New Things

I bought new deodorant this weekend - a whole new brand.  I've used Degree for like 10+ years, but somehow it seems like it is leaving a film that is really hard to wash off when I shower. I'm trying to find one that doesn't leave that film. (I only use antiperspirant/deodorant which I know is different than deodorant only, but I don't like the wet feeling if I don't use antiperspirant).  I bought Dove and Lady Speed Stick. I'm hoping one of these two works out.   Otherwise I don't know what else to get. I have a weird aversion to Secret. And I don't buy Suave anything.
The other thing I bought this weekend is something that I LOVE, which means It is either discontinued or about to be discontinued. I found ziploc freezer bags that have a little way for me to suck the air out of them so they are totally sealed (looking at Ziploc's website I see that they are called vacuum bags).  I do not know why I have such a terrible time with freezer burn (Ok.  It is because I buy meat on sale and in large quantities and as a single person I just don't eat that much and I tend to not be so good about getting all the air out of the bag apparently), but I get a lot of freezer burn and I hate it.  So far these seem to work awesomely. I'm tempted to remove from the freezer all the other meat that is in regular bags and re seal them in these vacuum bags.

Make it work

I interviewed for yet another job on Thursday.  I don't have a good feeling from the manager that I'm going to get offered it.  Just a feeling.  So I'm going to stop looking for awhile.  If you count from when I was in Seattle I've been job hunting for over 2 years now.  Admittedly there've been a few breaks in time then, but I've been applying and interviewing for a long time.  I'm just sick of it.  I'm sick of the searching and the process.  I'm sick of lying to take off time to interview. Now I just need to figure out how to tolerate my current situation.  The tension lately is palpable.  Boss was doing better and less of a bitch for a little while, but is back to full bore bitch.  It is exhausting. I am documenting everything though.  Anytime she is, what I consider, out of line I write it down.  Maybe that'll help us in the future.  I don't even know.  The other thing that scares me is the thought of getting this library degree and then never being able to use it since the salary will be so much lower than I currently earn. 

Screwed Up Pets

I took Sam to a new vet this morning.  The old vet has not been able to figure out what was wrong with Sam's ears and we've been treating him with diet for 3 months now with no change. So I figured I'd get a 2nd opinion.  She confirmed that Sam is sixish and not the 18 months I was quoted nor the 3 years I just noticed today that's on his vaccination certificate.  Poor boy with the mysterious life.  Anyway, I like this cat.  He's fine as a pet. (ish he is a biter).  BUT I'm not thrilled with the prospect of him being on this fancy hypoallergenic food until he dies.  That shit is $50 a bag! And it makes me wonder how it is I get the screwed up pets.  What is it about me that says "sucker!" (I don't know that I want that answered because I have that same question about me and supershitty bosses.)

In the course of my pets as an adult (4 ferrets 1 cat) ALL 4 ferrets required adrenal shots because they got adrenal disease.  This was somewhere between a $35 - $40 shot/month.  Not counting the cost to get the flexcar since I was in Seattle with no car.  Sam requires fancy cat food.  Honestly I just want one healthy not crazy pet.

Shoes

Again I find myself needing new shoes. The problem I have is threefold. 1. I have fat feet and value comfort over cute, which means I usually buy relatively bland shoes. 2. I have a large heel spur on my right heel. Which impacts size of shoes and ability of shoes like slingbacks since they don't stay up on the back of my foot. 3. I'm cheap about the wrong things. I am ok with paying more for some shoes, but if I figure I won't wear them often or more than a year I don't see the point in paying a lot for them.  I seem to have missed out on the shoe shopping gene.

2nd Semester - A whole lot shorter!

I'm now in my 2nd semester of library school.  This semester I took three more classes but the way summer sessions work I'm actually only taking 2 classes at a time.  I have 1 class that takes 10 weeks and then 2 classes that are 5 weeks each - back to back.  However, the weirdness is that one of my classes is actually for only 3 weeks, so I'll be done with my comic book class by Sunday night at midnight.  The nice part about my story telling class (10 weeks) is that apparently summer means "no bigass research project."  Wahoo.  I do have to do 3 story performances - one of which is already done.  For performance #2 I have to do 1 story and performance #3 I have to do 2 stories that are somehow connected and one is only 2 minutes and the other is like 4 or 5 minutes I think.  My 3rd class is a public libraries class.  It will definitely not be as fun or creative as my other two classes this semester.  I'm finding my comic book and graphic novels class to be interesting.  Definitely glad I took it.  It has opened my eyes to some books I might not otherwise have read. In the fall I'll be taking a youth literature class that should be great as well.

Because I'm pissy

I'm going to slam on Netflix and search engines. (And maybe blogger for continuing to add a random space at the top of this post even though I keep deleting it!)

So I have netflix and one of the reasons I wanted an xbox was so that I could watch movies instantly through netflix.  This would be fine and dandy (and to be fair I've watched a lot of tv shows via netflix which I enjoy) except the movies that are released don't get to "watch instantly status for fucking ever.  Black Swan, released in March - not on Watch Instantly.  Love and Other Drugs - released March 1, not on Watch Instantly yet. Takers - released in January is being advertised as a "new Arrival." (I have no interest in Takers, I'm making a point)   Are you freaking kidding me?  I can walk up to Redbox and get I am Number 4 (which i want to see) and get it tonight (except that means putting on clothes and driving to the store see how lazy trumps self righteous indignation).  AND they've changed their policy so that I can't even click on get the disk (to get it mailed to me) because they're trying to force us to use the "watch instantly" feature.  I would if they had what I wanted to watch dammit!

Unrelated to Netflix, when I play my exercise game on xbox it just shows me as my shape but in red (heat sensor actually) and it cracked me up when the cat walked around my legs, as he is wont to do when I don't want him there, and the scanner picked up his shape.

What else was I going to be pissy about... oh I typed in www.blogger.com into my toolbar.  This is a legitimate site that I've used a number of times (obviously) and yet somehow yahoo search decided I did something wrong and it came up as a search result.  That also annoyed me.

Oh back on netflix... I hate how 99% of their "New arrivals: Movies" are not new arrivals at all.  Well MAYBE they are movies that are newly released (and obviously not NEWLY released since one of their "new arrivals" is from January) on DVD.  I want a list of real new releases not stupid shit like white chicks and dane cook and a bunch of movies nobody has ever heard of.  This forces me to go to another website to see if I can actually find a list of new releases (strangely difficult actually thanks to televisionwithoutpity I can actually find a list because each week they do a blog about what's new on DVD) and then search for whatever movie I want to see.  They're just pissing me off tonight.

Introvert is not a 4 letter word

I got turned down for a job today.  One that I think I actually wanted. It had a lot of potential to be interesting and different than what I do since it had generalist roles incorporated into the benefits roles. The few people I met seemed super nice.  The company is in the process of "turning HR around" from being unapproachable and mean to open and fun. They said all the right things and I thought, well I didn't necessarily think I said all the right things but one of my interview failings is that I don't try to hide who I really am.  I answer the questions asked essentially the same way I would answer them if Michelle were asking me the question.  Well according to the recruiter I was working with I knocked it out of the park. I reassured her on the 401(k) stuff. I answered everything right... until.  When asked the question "how do you unwind or destress" I said something to the effect of "I go home and veg out mostly. Working in HR you have to be "on" all the time and since I'm essentially an introvert I like to spend my after work time relaxing and being quiet."  Something like that.  Apparently they don't want an "introvert."  Keep in mind, I've charmed 4 people in the interview until this point so clearly I have social skills and the ability to talk to people.  I even mentioned that working in HR for the past 11 years, I know what it takes but during my down time I like it to be just me.  I'd feel sad about the loss of this job since I think I did want it, but I find myself so annoyed by this "no introverts" attitude that I'm fine with it.  I am seriously sick of job hunting though. I may have to take a little break.  

Only in Texas

I went on a job interview on Friday and I desperately wanted to take a picture of the bookshelf of one of the men I interviewed with.  On his bookshelf were The Holy Bible, History of God and a book about (or by) George Bush (but I can't recall if it was sr or junior).  It totally made me laugh inside.  The job is different than what I do now.  It would be what I do but also generalist role including employee relations which I'm not that excited about but this would open up my skills and career. (which I know I'm totally changing careers but until a library job opens up that I can find I can still work in HR.)  It is a very small company which would be interesting.  However several people used the phrase "work hard/play hard" which I find cliched and annoying.

I should check mail more often

Tuesday I finally checked my mail.  I usually don't check it often because it is far to the mailboxes and there's nothing I want anyway, usually trash.  But the bag for the letter carrier's food drive was in my box and you may or may not remember that I love to volunteer for and contribute to the letter carrier's food drive.  So I went back to my apartment and found a bunch of canned food and put it in a bag by the door. And then I sat on the sofa.  And then I went to work the next day and while I was at work I thought some more and when I got home I checked the date on the little flyer.  The letter carrier's food drive was LAST weekend.  Oops.

F is for Fun

And that is my goal for the weekend.  I have spent almost every weekend since January working on homework.  Even when I got to go on the "girls weekend" in Austin back in February, I spent at least part of it doing homework. Homework. Homework. HOMEWORK. The word starts to lose all meaning after awhile.  AND I'll be starting up again soon. Sigh.  (Not sigh. I chose this and want this so I am glad to do it).  I'm also wicked stressed from the stupid job I hate so it will be nice to hopefully lose myself in activities this weekend.

Activities for this weekend:
1 - I randomly went and saw Sucker Punch at the dollar theater.  I was driving by on my way home and on a whim pulled in to see what was playing right then.  Sucker Punch, I had wanted to see before, was playing at the right time so that worked out. Not bad for $1.25.  Not sure how I'd feel about it if I paid $7.50 or more.

2 - I am going to 6 Flags on Saturday.  I got another season pass since I think Stephan and I are going when they come in July and I think my sister and I are going to Six Flags in San Antonio Memorial Day.

3 - I want to spend my Kohl's cash this weekend and get a new pair of shoes.  Or a new pair of work pants.

4 - Oh. I'm going to the rodeo Saturday night.  I peeved about how ridiculously difficult it was to buy a ticket online, but I succeeded with the last card I have.  I am hoping that I have fun at it.

5 - I am thinking of de-cluttering my flat surfaces.  My kitchen table has become the recepticle of all things I don't know what to do with.  That's not really fun, but it would make me happy to be done with that.  And I would have a place to spread out arts & crap supplies.

Yesterday evening

I was having one of those days yesterday, you know the ones... what if every decision I've made since [insert xyz time frame here, but in my case it was leaving California in 2002] was the wrong one?  I'm over it now.  It's amazing what sunshine and cool but gorgeous weather will do for a person.  I also have to keep telling myself that had I not left CA I wouldn't be embarking on a whole new career change.  I would just keep working in HR and letting this new potential career die altogether.  I wouldn't hate my job so much that it has convinced me to not do it anymore.  I know that seems drastic - just because I hate my current job doesn't mean I have to give up the whole career - but I think the job just forced into focus what I couldn't or didn't see.  I don't like where HR is going. It is becoming more and more about the bottom line than about the people I serve.  I'm sure it is necessary but I don't want to be part of it. 

I'm going hiking today. I'm very excited about that.  I think that since I've been going to school, I've not been on a Sunday adventure in a long time.  Although this is a Saturday Adventure. They are having a hike to see the blue bonnets at the Fort Worth Nature Center where I typically go hiking.  I should probably pull my water pack out of storage.

Hopefully this is right...

My horoscope for today: Earthquakes can't be predicted, and they can change an entire landscape in seconds. Get ready for your own personal earthquake to strike soon. The shift itself may be a bit scary, but the aftermath will create a world with a lot more opportunity for you. Some barriers will fall and enable you to see a much clearer path. The shifting is quietly happening right now, and you may get a hint or two about what's in store for you when some little changes happen.


I'm a little troubled by the parallel to earthquakes and hope to goodness that this was written before today's repeat earthquake in Japan. I'm hoping it happens, though. I need something to happen soon. (that's hopefully good).

Is this grad school?

This is my first go around with grad school. I don't know what it should or shouldn't be.  I was talking to a couple of classmates on Wednesday about our class.  They both hate it.  They think the prof gives too much busy work. I can see their point.  We have to do 4 article summaries every week and an info hunt (we have to search for information using whatever method prescribed by the prof) each week.  Everything is worth a lot of points so if you don't do well on one thing it won't irreparably damage your grade.  This is, honestly, my favorite class right now.  I am fine with busy work and I like that there's a lot of points on the table so that if I screw something up (like I may or may not have done in one of my other classes) it isn't going to completely decimate my grade. (Ok to be fair, in my other class it was just a B grade on a paper.) Since this is my first time in grad school, I have no idea if this class is normal (I'm getting the impression it isn't) or not.  I can't be the only one who appreciates a lot of opportunity to do well, can I?

Dream wedding

I was thinking today about if I ever got married how fun it would be to get married on April fool's day.  If I did that, I think everyone should have to wear top hats. All the guests that is. I think I'd use a copy of The Fool tarot card for place cards.  And I think it would be just tea and cakes. (Gluten free cakes of course).  I don't like tea though so I'm not sure what I would drink. And there'd be dancing. I don't really dance but I think there should always be dancing at weddings. But no rap music. I don't like rap music. Oh and it will be outside. In a garden. With blooming flowers (hopefully but if not that's okay). Now to find the man. :)  

Only Prank I'll Ever Do

Once upon a time I played an April Fool's Prank. I am not usually successful at these. I am uncomfortable with them. I'm not that creative about them. However THIS prank was the best prank ever. :) And it is the 6th anniversary.

Rays attacking me!

I blame a recent Amazing Race episode for the dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was swimming in a giant aquarium and sometimes on land.  At first the manta ray was just gliding peacefully around the bottom of the tank and there were sharks too. (Seriously, this was a challenge on The Amazing Race which looked kick ass) but then I floundered around a bit and caught the ray's attention and it decided to attack me.  It could change its size at will. AND It could fly out in the sky so it didn't matter that I kept getting out of the water. Here's the really interesting part to me according to dreammoods.com.

Manta Ray: To dream that you or someone is attacked by a school of manta rays, indicates that emotions that have been suppressed into your unconscious are becoming too overwhelming to keep inside any longer.

That's not at all disturbing.

Homesick

Sometimes I get 'homesick' for Seattle.  Since Michelle has been in Texas twice in the last two months, it has reminded me of, among other things, I have no friends here yet.  And while, in general, I'm not the friendliest of people, I do sometimes get lonely for company that isn't just me and the cat.  I was playing on the Kinect on Sunday and I couldn't help but think how much more fun it would have been if I were playing with someone.  (Or maybe not since I was making a fool of myself running in place and jumping.)  I haven't found good Indian food here yet.  Or good Thai. Or good gluten-free pizza. I hate my job. I honestly feel like I'm floundering sometimes and I dream of going back to Seattle.  But the job I had there is no more, and even if it was there I don't think I want to work for that boss or that other boss any longer. It would be nice to have my friends here.  I miss Seattle's electricity. it was way cheaper there.

The good things about here:  Closer to my sister. Swimming pool at my apartment. Cheaper rent. Own a car. Have a cat. (I could have done that in seattle I know). Six flags. lower cost of everything except electricity. HUGE apartment.  HUGE BEAUTIFUL apartment. Cheaper than Seattle's was. Housekeeper, dishwasher, washer/dryer in unit. Seriously, people, those are beautiful things.

Unrelated to all this mumbling about being home sick, I have to find ways to cut expenses.  I think after Sunday night's Big Love I'm cutting fancy cable. There's nothing ever on it I want to watch. It is pointless. I have netflix and a blockbuster card. I'll get it back when True Blood returns in the summer. :)

Hedging my luck

I bought 4 lottery tickets tonight.  Two for Lotto and two for Megamillions. My fingers are crossed. (I know I know I know) In order to encourage my luck, I used my last dollar to buy an MDA shamrock. That's good deed right? So that means I should win right?

One of the harder things about moving to a new place (besides having to make new friends, don't even ask me about that at all) is finding new products and brands. I have lived on the west coast for so long the only brand of cheese I like is tilamook.  I love tilamook cheese.  It is very very difficult to find it here for some reason.  (You know not being on the west coast and all that).  However I've found something that makes me just as happy (or maybe happier)... Cabot cheese is available here! I first had Cabot cheese in Vermont visiting Katie girl (Hi Katiegirl!).  I do love me some Cabot cheese and even better it is "president's choice" (the generic Kroger brand). Yay! That's a happy thing to find.

I know you have opinions.

For my birthday my mom is sending me money for a new bed. I may be going to my nemesis, who didn't hire me, big discount department store.  Here are the ones I've found so far that I've liked.

 Found at overstock.com.  I would have looked at more of theirs online but their website started downloading a virus so I had to close the window.

 I THINK this is my favorite one. Although I'd really like to see it in person so that I can feel the texture of the bed. Can be bought at nemesis didn't hire me store.

 Also found at nemesis didn't hire me store.  I like the metal/wood combo.

 I like how it is curvy like a spider web or a giant dream catcher. (Also from nemesis store)

I like the simple straight forwardness of this one.

Current furniture in the bedroom are a white bookshelf, a white dresser with black knobs and a white desk and 1 wooden bookshelf cherry color.  I love the white dresser so I probably won't change that anytime soon. 

WWJD

What would Joanne do? :)

We had a conversation in class the other night about ethics and information professionals. The prof said that there is some indication that Timothy McVeigh (OKC Bombing) consulted a librarian about bomb building.  She asked would we give that out.  I was the only one in class to say no. And my statement was more along the lines of I couldn't live with myself if I found out information I gave out had caused the deaths of people in that fashion.  A couple people went down the "slippery slope" route... if you don't give out "how to make a bomb" where does it stop.  We shouldn't judge what people would like to know. Blah blah blah. The ALA believes that we should provide information without judging the information being requested but there's one guy we read about who agrees with my way of thinking. You have to consider society. Someone else pointed out (or maybe it was slippery slope girl) that it would be like pharmacists refusing to give out the morning after pill.  I quickly pointed out that a - pharmacists have a binding professional oath as opposed to librarians who have a voluntary oath and b - many many places have upheld that pharmacists can refuse to provide the morning after pill. (And physician's don't all have to provide abortions if they do not choose to.) Anyway, apparently I'm a dissenter in my class.

Stupid Human Tricks

I was speaking to a coworker the other day about something I had seen on my boss's desk. She asked me if I was in there snooping around and I said no, she was babbling at me and I read it upside down on her desk.  She seemed surprised I could completely and totally read upside down. I had never thought about it. I've been able to do it as long as I can remember.  She challenged me and I totally read her job ad upside down.  I think it may be related to my left handedness. Is this a weird skill?