Stephen once asked me if I would ever date a guy with kids. I have thought about this before. And lets face it, as I get older, the odds are more and more that I'll face that scenario. So I thought about it and said "It depends on his relationship with the baby mama." Which, of course, prompted a puzzled look from him. So I explained my theory... if I'm part of a parenting 'team' so to speak, I want to know that my contributions aren't going to be undermined. I can fully and truly accept that I'm not the mother and hence my input to their child's decisions isn't going to have as much weight as either of theirs will, but at the same time, I don't want to find myself in a position where I'm denigrated or disregarded by the ex spouse and by extension the kid. If I lay down a punishment on the child or enforce a rule, I don't want the mom coming in and totally undermining me by giving in. As I would do the same and expect my husband to do the same for her.
One of my theories on kids is that the grown up shit shouldn't have to be the kid shit. It is our job, as adults, to make the kids feel secure and loved and all that and not have their heads messed up by our petty crap. I taught a kid once whose parents were divorced and he had a week on week off scenario where he lived back and forth. His dad claimed it cost him an arm and a leg but he thought it was important for the son. I talked to the son one day about it and he had a different problem with it... he would just be getting used to how his mom liked things and her rules and then he would have to go to his dads where the rules were different. He'd get in trouble for things at one house that weren't part of the rules at the other. And this went on all the time for him. I thought about what he said (and clearly it has stuck with me since that was over 12 years ago we had that talk) and realized how much that sucks for him. These adults in his life couldn't get their shit together to say these are the 'family' rules we expect you to follow at both houses.
Stephen also pointed out to me that I may marry someone who has different parenting styles than I do. Also a good point. I thought on that after we had dinner and realized (and we talked about this last night) that for me part of "My shit shouldn't be their shit rule" is that the grown ups have to learn to compromise. And grown ups have to present a united front. If my spouse is adamant about a clean room and I'm well, not but it isn't a big deal to me either way I totally don't have a problem giving in on that point. At some point Stephen and I had talked about financing education (mine was and his was not) and he was against it for his son (well not 100% but he also wouldn't hand a blank check and say here you go son, party your way through college). I am of the opinion that if I am in a financial position to be able to help out, it is my job to do so. I think we do kids a disservice by sending them out to the big bad world saddled with horrendous amounts of debt. So I used that example as something we both disagree on yet it could be possible to come to a middle ground by each side giving a little. For example if the kid worked and saved his/her money for college and then the parents matched the money earned then both parties are in a way getting what they want. The kid worked for the money so it isn't just 100% gift and yet I would be getting to contribute like I feel is important. :) And to further that point if at 18 my kid said, 'you know I don't want to go to college.' The money would give him/her a start out in their regular life.
Of course all of this is hypothetical. :) Goodness knows what will really happen if I were to find a guy to adopt kids with. It could throw all my idealized theories out the window. :) And of course, I'm not 100% certain that if said husband didn't stomp my heart into a million pieces by breaking one of my big 3 grounds for divorce (physical abuse of me or the kid, cheating and there's a 3rd that I can never remember) that I will be able to be mature enough to set aside the parent shit for the kids. But I can say that for all Satan's faults and no matter how much I loathed him, I never say a bad thing about him in front of his kids. And I yell at my parents (mother) when they do it because I really feel that isn't right. So maybe my cool unemotionalness will prevail. Who knows?! :)
2 comments:
The question of dating or partnering with someone who has kids, and another pre-existing coparent has a lot to do with how much extra work you are willing to go through for your partner.
Coparenting is challenging with two people. Coparenting through a divorce is even harder ~ regardless of the emotional issues involved ~ logistically, two families are now evolving separately. And now you are potentially adding one or two more parents.
While it sounds ideal to state that you want your parenting authority an equal with your partner with existing children, I think it's unrealistic. Your feelings and your issues should be respected and supported. But I firmly believe the ultimate responsibility lies with the two parents who brought the child into the world. Otherwise, there are just too many cooks in the kitchen, and it's too difficult to rationalize the different family evolutions.
Granted, I grew up as the child of a split home, week-on/week-off. So I have both parenting experience and child experience...
I wouldn't expect to replace a parent or to create rules in their place. I mean more if I'm enforcing a house rule I'm not overdriven by an ex spouse.
Also if I'm part of the family, I should at least have some say and not be compltely disregarded. Although that would be an issue between my husband and I.
And as we all know, all this could go out the window once reality strikes so... :) We hold hypothetical responses in the same way we hold hypothetical situations... with a grain of salt. :)
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