Kiddos

I was walking home from work the other day and I got to this place by one of the hospitals where I take an escalator from one street level to the one below. On the escalator was this cute little blond boy in glasses playing. You know how it is when you're little and there's an escalator, you want to walk the wrong way on the stairs. He was doing that. He chatted with me a minute about it and showed off how fast he is. As I was walking away I was hit with such a feeling it took my breath away. I want kids. I want one of those funny little people who will want and need and demand. [At that moment, I actually wanted THAT kid, but since he had one of the new fancy Game Boys and he was dressed pretty well, I figured someone would miss him. Although obviously not the someone who failed to point out you shouldn't talk to strangers. Of course, he was also old enough to shout so kidnapping was out. :)] Anyway, the feeling was so intense and so shocking that it's actually caused me to stop and think about it. But I haven't really come up with an answer. Although, I think when my money situation eases up a bit and maybe in like 4 years I would like to look into fostering kids with the hope of adopting 1 or 2. If the doctors are correct, it will be extremely difficult for me to conceive. I'm kind of inclined to agree with Michelle on her views on infertility, and don't think I would consider that an option for myself. Of course I'm single and speaking in the abstract... But more than that, the do gooder in me thinks there are plenty of kids who need good families and that it would be selfish and somewhat irresponsible of me to go through all sorts of testing and whatnot just to have a kid with my genes.* And I don't especially like babies.

Last night, however, my subconscious apparently is still piecing this all out. I had a dream where I was visiting an orphanage. I was playing with the kids, and then we settled down to watch a movie. A little 4 year oldish boy curled up in my lap and we just sat and watched the movie. After the movie was done, I got up to leave and he didn't want me to go without him. He was crying and begging me to take him with me and I kept crying and saying I couldn't because I wasn't financially where I should be to embark on this undertaking. I woke up crying (which I hate). I take the whole dream as a sign that adoption may be the correct choice for me.

*I feel compelled to comment here that my genes are crap. I have an autoimmune disorder. Autoimmune disorders beget autoimmune disorders so that if my kids don't get my specific one, they may luck out and get none or since it indicates a problem on the gene, the kid could get something worse. Lupus is an autoimmune disorder linked to the same gene my celiac disease is on. So having my genetic children are not necessarily a priority for me. If they are for you, dear reader, more power to you. I can't fault you for that. There is some argument for having your own kids and knowing where their genes come from and what potential problems may lie under the surface.