I had a post that I wrote last night, and in a fit of self-censorship I deleted it this morning. It was too dark and maudlin mostly attributable to the quantity of alcohol I consumed last night. But in the light of day, I decided that I didn't want a reminder of last night posted for the world to see so I pulled it (or really I just didn't want to be reminded of it either). However, there was a pertinent part that now that I'm sober I may be able to more coherently express my thoughts.
When I was 12 years old, I was in class and discovered a word, atheist. And I realized that described me and my lack of beliefs. My mom is Catholic. When I was 5ish we were still going to church. We had a hell fire and brimstone kind of priest. I attended CCD (religious/confirmation) classes. Then we randomly stopped going and that was that. My mom kept some of the more weird aspects of Catholicism. She is a big fan of the saints, and frequently requests their assistance. We didn't eat meat on Fridays during Lent. When my sister died, she fought with Satan (heinous ex-brother in law) over the right to bury her body because (despite Vatican 2) Catholics don't cremate. I can remember as a child listening to how Jesus died for our sins and wondering why? I didn't ask him to. How could I have done anything that bad, I was just little.
Fast forward. I have gone with friends to their various churches. I have been to a Methodist church, Southern Baptist. At some point I've also attended Mormon Temple and an Episcopalian church. I've had rather interesting discussions with a member of the Baha'i faith. In college I read a lot about Buddhism, it seems to be the belief system that most meshes with my values personal belief system. I've always wanted to believe in something... but never found the ability. I can't believe in the Christian theory of male entity controlling everything. That's just too cruel for words. I like the concept of the universe in balance. Even down to the smallest molecule, the universe wants balance. The sharing of protons and electrons making bonds that form water or air or whatever. (Damn my chemistry teacher would be proud... something stuck, except he was a crap chem teacher). So there's good and there's bad, and maybe I look too locally instead of globally but sometimes I feel like there's only bad around me. It has been on my mind again lately. Belief, higher power that sort of thing. Maybe it is working for the Catholics... especially now that the pope has died. Matty P sent me a link to this group, Soka Gakkai International (an American Buddhist group). He thinks they may be what I'm looking for. I may check them out. Buddhism has been the one thing I've felt the strongest pull towards.