Like reripping open a scab

It is amazing how one little visit from someone has knocked down the tower of 'I'm fine' I had built. I'm hoping beyond hope that once I lance all this anger and bitterness and hurt out of me like an angry boil I can be done really really done.

About a month and a half ago, I was talking to Matthew and I made the comment that sometimes he hurts my feelings. This is not untrue. His response, "I'm no longer speaking to you." I didn't actually think he was serious. In fact, I walked down stairs with him and we chatted while he was in the bookstore and then out the door. It wasn't until later that night while instant messaging that I discovered he was completely and totally serious. This post about being angry is one that relates to it. As does this one. So I go through this roller coaster of emotions and any time I see him I'm always on the brink of tears because it is like I get hit in the solar plexus and I can't breathe. I'm so hurt by this I don't even know how to cope. But I start feeling better... well ok not better but maybe less sad... ok well not less sad but more able to cope and then I post this post on Friday after walking past him when I was with Isa. And I get an email from him letting me know that my reputation is on the line because people in his office have noticed me pointedly ignoring him. So I point out how rarely we see each other but apparently 3 people he knows, who know me, know the 'whole story' and think that I'm being childish. Now I'm pissed and I'm having a difficult time understanding how him deciding never to speak to me again and me reacting by avoiding him makes me the childish one. And I'm hurt because honestly, unless he is speaking unkindly of me, how am I coming out to be the villian in this story? And so I post this on the peevery (looks like I've outed an unknown peever post). I'm so angry and hurt all over again. WC even sees me crying at work dammit (WC does have an inkling of it because he has wandered into my office twice when I have been all atwitter). Besides Isa and other coworker in my office (and she only tangenitally, she definitely does not know 'the whole story), my boss is the only one who has an inkling of what is going on. Here's how that conversation transpired... She: I see that there's an opening in payroll, your friend Matthew should try for it. Me: We're not actually speaking right now. She: Oh? Me: Yeah, we had a falling out. She: Oh, okay, well I hope you work it out. Me: Unlikely, but thanks. Notice how neither of us come across as childish in this conversation? Notice how no further information is actually required. So I end up all woe is me on Saturday and to snap myself out of it, I post this. It is really important to me to be able to reframe it when I'm upset. So now we're on to today. He appears in my office. And he tells me he isn't speaking ill of me behind my back and that he just wanted to let me know since I work in Human Resources and it is important that people feel comfortable coming to me with issues. And I point out that they could come to me if they had questions about this. To which he replies well why would they. A little more conversation occurs and I finally end it with what I really want is to not cry every time I see you. I say this as tears start to roll down my cheeks so I turn away. Basically dismissing him. I email him and we go back and forth a few more times, basically he thinks he is helping me and protecting himself at the same time.

It has taken me awhile to figure out why this is killing me so much... Besides the obvious. While wandering through the stacks of the library today, I figured it out. I was summarily dismissed. No this is how I feel, let's try to work this out. NO, I need something different from you. No actual indication that the last several years actually meant anything. No respect for whatever friendship we had. Just I'm no longer talking to you. Whatever.