Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Different things..

I have had a lot of different things dancing around in my head lately, and was going to post about one of them last night but self censored and changed my mind, but now I think I'm going to change my mind again. (What me indecisive??)

Sometimes I have to remind myself that all things considered my life is pretty good. I have a job I really like. I live in an apartment I like in a neighborhood I like. I have money enough to eat fairly well. I'm not living on ramen, Kraft Mac & Cheese and hamburger. (Which I couldn't anyway but you know what I mean). So last night while watching Love Actually, I realized I was feeling a little bit sad and lonely. And quite honestly Love Actually is a bad movie for that realization. :) But since I was about 1/2 way through I kept watching until the end. I spend a great deal of time alone. And by great deal, I mean almost all the time when I'm not out volunteering or out on the odd night with V (which have drastically cut down since I can't afford to float his and my own alcohol bill and since I get up at 5 to go to the gym and he is just leaving to go out at like 9 PM). This is not that different, though, from who I usually am. When I lived in AZ, I had NO friends and just worked 2 jobs. After Michelle moved out when I lived in CA, I spent a lot of time alone with the odd night or afternoon out with Michelle and sometimes Michelle's family. I had roommates then so sometimes Missy and I hung out but after she started dating the geriatric boyfriend (now husband) I saw less of her. I have a terribly difficult time making friends. I'm painfully shy (this may come as a shock I know but in groups of people I get very quiet). Satan once called me a weird kid, and in a way he's right. And I'm actually okay with that. Just like I'm mostly okay with being alone, but sometimes... just once in a while, it would be nice to have a chest to lean on while we watch a movie or a hand to hold while crossing the street. I read an article recently on MSN written by a woman in her 50's who is completely content being single. For the most part I am too. It gives me a freedom that I know my married friends don't have. At the same time they have a whole lot of what I don't have. :) Which is why I try to not compare our lives too much. It is just sometimes... which brings us to the obvious question... what to do about it? That I don't know... Just keep plugging along I suppose. Michelle's answer will be... Move back to California. :)


Peeved Michelle said...

Of course I would say move back to California, especially now that I found you a man.

Also, I would kill for some alone time.

Ian said...

Ah, the old trap. Know it well. Friends? What are they? Oh I see - you mean people you know who used to not be married! Oh yeah, them I remember them...!