Wednesday, February 23, 2005

31 angst?

The insipid older sister of 30 angst. While 30 angst is allowed to be big and loud and accompanied by great quantities of vodka or rum or both mixed together, 31 angst is quiet and sneaks up on you. 30 is a milestone, a big party, a year ending with a zero. When you are 9 years old the excitement building to finally be in the double digit years is great. I can remember that. Then you look forward to 13 because now you are officially a teen. Then 16 because you can drive. Then 18 because you are an adult. I remember my grandmother was visiting around my 18th birthday and although I've never smoked, I felt kind of grown up about buying her cigarettes for her. I got carded. :) Then, of course there's 21. You can now drink legally. Then 30. You are now officially the age to be a soccer mom. Then there's nothing else to look forward to... unless you count 65 when you're (at least at this time) officially eligible for medicare. Whoop de do.

Lately there've been a lot of different thoughts whirling around in my head. Where am I going? What am I doing? How will I get there? Why am I doing this? I think the job drama is in part at the root of that. There have also been a few other reliatively significant things contributing. I'm just sick of my present reality. I want a different one. I want a do-over dammit! Or maybe I'm just hitting my usual 3 year itch. That's about as long as I have managed to live in a place before I'm just ready to pack up the U-Haul and move. I need a freakin' vacation. Luckily I have one planned. :) Hypothetically I'll be refreshed and renewed after visiting the happiest place on earth and I'll be more ready to thrash about in my current place, rather than pack it all up, strap on my back pack and find the next place to lay my head. I want to actually be able to feel like I'm succeeding someplace rather than merely surviving there. That'll never happen, though, with my current cut and run lifestyle. Maybe I just need a nap.


Bookfraud said...

ah, 30 turning into 31 angst, you capture so well. Yeah, nothing to look forward to at 31, though my 30s rocked compared to my 20s, but then again, i was just to wacked to really tell the difference. Turning 30 was awful for me (and I'm a guy, last time i checked), 40 wasn't so bad. am not looking forward to 41 -- truly have checked into middle age.

Peeved Michelle said...

When I turned 30, I wasn't in too much angst about career or marriage. I was working on the career - had a definite plan in mind that was already in action - and I had already found a husband. The worst part was being so fat and frumpy after getting married. So I gave myself two years to get it together, superficially. Laser eye surgery... done. Teeth straightened... in progress. Hair... growing out. Weight... not making much progress, but ever so slowly losing. I have until I turn 32, so my 31 angst is sort of on hold until then.

ty bluesmith said...

i have a case of the 30's as well. it's not fair. i never expected to look so much not like me anymore.

Sandy said...

Joanne--yup, this is pretty normal stuff. Turning 30 was awful for me--I had this mental list of things I thought I was supposed to have accomplished by that time and had only managed to check one off the list. I think these big zero birthdays make you think about how your life is progressing. And I think your early thirties are when you finally have to recognize that yes, this really is your life and you can no longer really have do-overs. I mean, you always can start over with a new job, new home or new career but there are consequences that weren't there when you were younger. I think you also have more of a desire to put down roots somewhere so you have to figure out if where you are is the place where you want to do that.

That said, I'm not sure I'd stay in Seattle if it weren't for my husband...I met him when I was 32. I had been considering moving up to that point.