Visitation

I really don't want to visit my family over the holidays. There's no nice way of saying this. The more I think about it the more anxious I get. By the time I'm supposed to leave I'll be on a bajillion milligrams of Paxil just to get through. (Of course Group Health would have to consider me crazy enough for me to even see a shrink to get my bajillion milligrams of Paxil, and since that isn't likely I guess I won't get my bajillion milligrams of Paxil and I will have to self medicate with the Cabana Boy. There's a whole side story here involving me and a trip to a shrink at Group Health back in maybe February or March of this year. I was having a bit of depression, situational not chemical, and just wanted to hash some things out. Since I wasn't a threat to anyone and I don't have a condition that is treatable, just the blues, they sent me away apparently until I do get a condition that is treatable... I still find that funny as hell, even though I really shouldn't.) Wow, did I digress! Oh so I'll be self medicating with Cabana Boy Cherry rum and lemonade or with Malibu Pineapple and OJ (or both... probably both). I'm very different from the child I was when growing up. I'm very different from my family now. And spending time with them means I'm always on my guard. This is a chore for me, not a joy and I wish I didn't feel like that. Even just purchasing the plane ticket to go see them is stressing me out. But it has been more than 3 years and I did hurt my dad's feelings the last time Christmas came up and I went to CA instead of to visit them so I go because I am the dutiful daughter. Even if I need an intervention in January from all the drinking. Matty, you and Michelle go ahead and start planning that. :)